Do I Need A Rescue?

Adventure # 65 Mapping Out A New Path

2 Years. 2 Months and Countless Glasses of Wine. It officially feels like Summer and I am officially still single. Its hot and so are the locals.  I finished a book at the dog park yesterday with My Boyfriend Brutus and between licks, sweat and my last chapter... "Finally Over Him.". I realized I am. I am covered in kisses and they are not just from Brutus anymore and I cant believe that it took me two years to finish this book. (ha ha) I have enclosed a link to this once embarrassing purchase from Barnes and Noble for any people out there searching through there own messes: "The Ultimate Survival Guide to getting Revenge and Finally Getting Over What's His Name!" The last Chapter is my favorite and now that I have become advocate for forgetting about what's his name, I was able to shake my girlfriend last night of her own worries. The Chapter is Titled:  Have No Fear 

"Don't let your fears cripple you. Most of the time what we fear never comes to pass. Many times our fears are exaggerated. The more we worry, the bigger and the worse the fear or hurdle seems."

See. It Took Me a Freaking Long Time To Get Here. I once had a plan, a sketch a someone and that someone just stopped trying. I was pissed. I was Confused. I am officially letting it go. This book made me realize that there is a chance that as lame as it is... "There Are Other fish in the Sea!" 6 months ago... I would never wanted to go back into the water and I most certainly wasn't ready to fish again. Funny enough... letting go and letting myself back in; I realized instead of sweating about what's his name I will sweat it out with someone else. What's even funnier is that there is a chance I could even get an upgrade!

If I could say anything to my friend that is covered in mental sludge from her own what's his name... I would say: Make a list of the things that you disliked or annoyed you about your ex. This will help stop you idolizing him. And this is the best part!!! Here are three of mine and this should help!

1. I hate that You kiss like a wet noodle... I could barely feel your lips.

2. I hate that you put ketchup on my four hour dinner I just made.

3. I hate that you think wearing sweat pants is appropriate on a dinner date. ---------

ahhhhhhhh Now That feels Nice... Yep.... I am back in the water and waiting to be rescued. 

PS Check Out This Song.... It's Brutus's New Fav!!!

The Naked And Famous - Young Blood

Destination Unknown

Adventure #64 Do You Know The Way To Mystery Island?

Yep. It's Wedding season. And with that added stress of finding a date and buying that perfect dress it's finally coming to a close.  The dress = Perfect. The Shoes = more then perfect. And my date? Well you can never go wrong with your best guy friend... Jimmy! I guess we did the normal date thing you can say... I picked out "his outfit" and he brought my 60 pound slobbering bulldog to the doggy hotel for me. You could say it was an even trade. We danced and got a little merry... however, the only problem I have been running into is: people aka "guys" thinking that "Jimmy" is actually my date. Dude, he's like my protective big brother that I could never you-know-what-with... and I am more then sure that his lack-of-feeling is mutual! So, there I am after a few chardonnays having to explain myself to friends, family member's and possible prospects that "Jimmy" is just a friend! I begin to have a conversation with my girl about moving forward and finally not stressing about Mystery Island anymore... What is Mystery Island you might ask? Well, Mystery Island Really Exists! See, Its a place where those great first dates and great conversations lead into a kiss, that lead into a real date, that lead into them floating away on a cloud to Mystery Island! What's the address you might ask? Well, I am a girl and girls actually will never receive the actual address! They are all there together... X boyfriends, great first kissers and the date that should have ended after dinner and not three hours later! They don't have phones or email and they certainly don't have Face Book! They love the line... "Can't Wait to See You Again!" or "Call Ya Later Babe!" But they never seem to lock in a time or a destination for the second date! At first, I was beginning to think it was just me but talking with other girlfriends, they have all been left on the runway of the plane headed for Mystery Island... with no E.T.A. home! I'll be honest, in the last two months I have been stranded with no answers from three guys... and since they don't have computers I can legally list there first names: Daniel, Jason and Tim. If any of my boys make it to that Island one day, I would like to pass on a message to them.... Guess what? I really wasn't that interested! One of you had grey hair, one was way to right wing and one was two years away from retirement... ouch! I would have never taken you to my best friends wedding and unless Jimmy or Brutus approves you were never worth that second date! See, it is nice having that wing man.. It is a smart idea to get others opinions. One Lick is good. Two Slobbers is Great!

Mini Brutus

Adventure # 63 The Abrupt Dog-Napping of Mini Brutus

It the weekend. Its hot and I am sipping a mimosa poolside with my ladies! We are gossiping about boys of course, checking and crossing off the lists of possible suitors for my Girlfriend Kate and I. Too short. Too Pertinacious. Too Young. Too Hot. Too Cold. As I am casually getting a Mani-pedi and eyebrow wax... I am unaware of the cruel wrong doings that are happening just steps away. See, I have this little rubber Mini Brutus that posts up on my dashboard of my Jeep. Hes chill and protective and I absolutely love him! Unannounced to me.. He was ripped out of his perch and abruptly stolen out of my vehicle! I enjoy more mimosas and more chit-chat and wobble home to get ready for another Saturday Night Out!  A few days go by and I log on to a social networking site... you might have heard of it.. its called Face BOOK. Anyways, I get a friend request from a miniature rubber bulldog claiming to be my Mini Brutus!

SAYYYYYY WHHHHHHHAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT??????!!!!! What is wrong with these people? What is wrong with the World? More Importantly, what the Hell is wrong with my friends??? Mini Brutus has been now missing for over a month and I want him back! I have offered rewards of beer, vodka and pleaded intensely back for his safe recovery! I am putting this out here to all my readers!! FIND MINI BRUTUS!! SAVE HIM FROM MY DRUNK AND IRRESPONSIBLE FRIENDS!!!! I love him and he's all mine!!! I am offering up an all expense paid trip to Legends Pub on a Saturday Afternoon for All You Can Drink Wine, Beer and Pizza in Mini Brutus's Save Return Home! I do want to mention that apparently Mini looks like he doesn't really miss me? He has been spotted at the gym, in a hot tub, at a few local watering holes and in the supermarket? I am beginning to think they are spoiling and brain washing him! I am afraid that he will never make it back on his protective perch, I am afraid for his safe return home to me. Mom.


I have included pictures of places last seen and his Face Book Link for examining.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003711768145

23 Reasons to Put You on Blast!

Adventure #62 Another One Bites The Dust!

The entire time I have written this blog, I have worked in tiny stories of my own personal life. Yes, this is about my dog but this post since Bru is in recovery from his surgery, will just be about me... Throughout my dating history, I have dated guys from many walks of life. From surfers to business men, from bartenders to fisherman and artists to assholes. Though one thing I have never dated is younger. My age range now being 33, is 30-40. I have never gone much younger. I need a man. I need stability. I need to be treated like a lady! So, when a fresh 23 year-old came heroically to me one night, I threw all my rules out the door. The first few times we went out, I was constantly doing the math in my head. Holy Crap! This guy was only 6 when I lost my virginity! Holy Moly! This guy is a baby! After I got over the thoughts of pampers and school books I got to really know him. And to my surprise he was actually pretty mature, thoughtful and stable. We shared stories and wine on the dock numerous nights and got to know what made each other tick! Though, some of the times that little girl in my head would say...hey you there? This isn't right. Hes too young, he's leaving for grad school soon... what are you doing? I shook her off like a mosquito and didn't listen!  I had doubts from friends about his age as well and I didn't listen to them. So here I am again on the dock ready to commit to a short-term relationship with a guy that apparently had a lot to hide. After dinner, a guitar solo and intimate conversation, I shoved my doubts under the mattress and said screw it! Running my personal best on the beach the next morning, sober red flags arose from the previous nights conversation. Number 1. He HATES BULLDOGS???? WTF???? Say what?????? He said he hated the noises that they make and hates all the drool! Number 2. He wont read my blog. We were on the computer sharing different favorite websites and I went to sign on my blog. The Blog that has helped me achieve a better way to vent and a great escape to creative writing! This Guys a joke.. RIGHT? Well, Red Flag Number 3 is his adamant reasoning for wanting to just be exclusive in the bedroom department. Being single for so long, I agreed and was pretty flattered that a rip roaring 6-pack young man wanted that with me? Red flag? you say? It's because when most people are doing something wrong they go the extra step to cover up shit! In less then 6 hours of me leaving his house after an amazing date, I found out his young ass was getting other young ass! I am not ashamed to write any of this. Its my fault, I didn't listened. Its my fault I tried to see the good, yes once again. Its his loss, his fault and his mistake. Kinda Funny he didn't think with all my extra years of dating and disasters ... I FOUND OUT PRETTY EASILY!! Though, since one of us is acting so immature I guess I can stoop down to your dirty, agnostic-self and say...

Coo, coo, ca-choo, Mrs Robinson 
Jesus loves you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo) 
God bless you please, Mrs. Robinson 
Heaven holds a place for those who pray 
(Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey) 



check out this song below!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Simon & Garfunkel - Mrs. Robinson

Population 1

Adventure #61 Hater Ville

Well... I saw some pictures posted from my friend "K-B" this past weekend and besides being awesome... I realized just how crazy the last um about 40 days have been. Pardon the expression.. "I have been only been home to Shit, Shower and Shave!" Ha ha But still gross. I am finally out there and with this I apparently have left some of my nice manners at home. There are some things that I have said... that some people almost can't stomach. Why Can't they you might ask? Cause Some of it has been jarring and yet some of it has been the truth. Within my blog, I have never mentioned my name, my age, my city, my friends/x's specifics and I have never posted one picture of myself. I however, have said many personal things including my hope to find and place everything in order one day and maybe get it right? I have also completely told the truth, I have sacrificed different opinions from my friends and found a little more about me in the long run. I don't take anything back. I don't want to candy code much anymore. Yes! This is about Brutus. maybe the little guy is embarrassed about Mom talking about his balls so much. Maybe Mom should get a Life.. and I guess that's just what I did! I just wanna put it right here that I don't wanna hold back anymore. With Brutus's manhood finally getting cut-off... I am also going to cut-off the bullshit and take it up a notch! YES! I will get more clever in disguising my close ones but I will warn you that this is my life, this is my blog and I enjoy writing it! I hope you enjoy reading it as well! I will say sorry for one cute guy that I decided to let everyone know what was up... but I will warn you it would have been better if I actually told the whole truth! Good on you part and bad on mine! HEE HEE! Lots of Love! Here's To You All! Just Don't F*%& Me OVER! xxOo

Third Date Policy.

Adventure #60 Save The Date

Third date policy. Its a saying that has been used in the social world since at least the 1950's. How many dates does it take to seal the deal? What constitutes a date? Does he have to buy dinner? Does he have to bring flowers? Do I have to kiss on the first date? And the most important question... HOW MANY DATES UNTIL WE DO U KNOW WHAT? In Brutus Beef Cakes situation.. time is running out. April 18th 2012. This date will live in infamy. The date Brutus Beef Cake will loose his nuts. These balls have caused me, my household, my friends and my shins complete torture. So, with the date finally being set, I ask my readers a question. Do I get him laid or not not? He is two and half and still a virgin. All my boys out there are most likely saying YES!! Why not? But I would like to take a vote. I would like  everyone to look to right and quickly check your answers.  He only has one great weekend to spend with someone if we decide in a positive favor! Please take the two seconds to vote before Brutus lives on as a virgin forever! I will decide based on the the tally of votes. I think, if my readers do decide to get him laid, this blog could only get better! HEE HEE. I have enclosed a song that for some reason I am really liking lately. I wouldn't think this is my style at all but the more I listen to it... It really turns me on! HEE HEE. Maybe for Brutus and his girlfriend it will help as well. However, I am thinking he won't need any help in sealing the deal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8s8YK4R5qa0

Mr. Tequila

Adventure #59 My Live-In Cock Blocker

As you all well know....I have been single for over two years. Within that amount of time, I have dated a handful of losers, prepubescents, trouble makers and snobs. All, that has all been in the last month! So, when one fun one fell in my lap, I didn't resist and sealed the deal with a kiss at my house. If only there wasn't a slobbering, growling gate keeper at my front door; ready to pounce on anyone that didn't resemble Uncle James and Auntie Jill. We will call him "Mr. Tequila." See, I call him that because we met at a Tequila Bar and instead of hanging with Uncle James all night, I decided to tag "Mr. Tequila" for the rest of the evening, with the help of my new favorite Tequila... Revolucion. P.S I have enclosed the link to this new 100 proof Tequila and even though the website is awesome...It doesn't talk about the wonders it does for female balls and how it instantly propels women to new confident heights! So given my blank track record, I decided to switch things up and let "Mr. Tequila" walk me home. Back to Start. Literally. I describe Brutus as a mouthwatering, crazy train and decided that I should just start handing out my blog posts prior to future dates. There really is no warning in the official first meeting of the Bru. And there are not enough adjectives in the dictionary. This guy was screwed from the very beginning. This guy had no chance of Pass Go. This guy was doomed from the start. Something that I never mentioned throughout my posts is the fact that in the back of my mind when purchasing this over-the-top expensive beast, I thought that if me and Mr. X would have not worked out... This dog would be awesome to pick up dudes with! Apparently, that statement was completely FALSE! Here's the scenario... Me and "Mr. Tequila" stubble home and barely opened the door when the gate keeper approached.  My Dates Eyes the size of saucers jolted backwards and down the front patio steps. Brutus furiously lunged for  "Mr. Tequila" as I with all my strength grabbed his collar and yanked him back inside. I thought I had him all the way in when Brutus rammed through the inside door, out the front door and jumped, gripped and torn onto my new suitors left bare leg. It was a scene out of a bad porno movie as sheer terror ripped over "Mr. Tequila's face!!!!!!! If Bru could speak.. he would have said.."Who's my Bitch Now? I gripped him again, scooted him back inside and apologized for my terror filled meatball. Within seconds, he planted one on me.. the new guy, not Brutus and instead of that Danielle Steel Feeling of fireworks... the sound of growling, whining and hate came from behind the glass inside door. Brutus was on watch, pissed-off and steaming up the window with PURE HATE! Bottom line, I am out there. Bottom Line, some of it is a nightmere. Bottom line, I decided that the 100 Percent 28 year old "Mr. Tequila," wasn't aged to Perfection enough for me to go back for another taste!

http://www.tequilarevolucion.com/en/

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cockblock