Pee Drops Keep Falling On My Bed!

Adventure #58 Marking My Territory

My bed has been absent for awhile in so many ways and I feel like I haven't slept well in two years.  I have made a habit of falling asleep on my couch and between Real Housewives and random Internet searches, my sleep patterns have been horrible.  There is some loyalty to all this though. My boyfriend Brutus is always right by my side ether wedged between me and the couch pillow or on the rug next to me. However lately, someone has been mad at me! If you have read the last post, you have discovered that Stella has gotten her groove back. With this "Stella" has also been absent! The constant at home all the time Mommy is no more! Here are just a few things I have been doing instead: Fishing, Kayaking, Paddle Boarding, Cooking, Running, Spinning, Laughing, Dating, Beaching, Bar-Hopping, Dancing and my personal favorite.. FLIRTING! All this doesn't take place on the couch or with Brutus.. and guess with all this someone isn't happy! Last night, I invited some good friends to watch sunset at a Tiki Bar and along with cocktails and a ton of laughter, I quickly lost track of time. I also extended this all into to dinner and an intimate Tee-Pee party at one of my girlfriend's houses. Yes. Yes. A real Tee-Pee. Well, falling into bed around 2 A.M. I discovered that I also had my own Pee... IN MY BED!!!!!!! The smell took over my face and I would describe it as a pungent, musky, manly scent. I would also describe it as I spent $200.00 on these Calvin Klein Sheet and Bed Set and $1700 on this bulldog...totalling a whopping $1900 for me to sleep back out on the couch for another night?????? This is unreal... This is F$#@$% UP!!!!!!!!!!! I realized it was a combination of things and a way that my English Bulldog with No Middle Finger... Just pretty much said F.U. Mom and spent the rest of his night in his crate! I spent the night again with re-runs of bitches that are bitching that there 7 carrot ring wasn't big enough and fell asleep counting pee-drops. """1,2,3,4, Pee Drops Keep Fallin on My Head...Doesn't Mean That I Wont Have Anyone Else in My Bed????"" Well.... it kinda does...So I Guess I Just Sleep at His House Instead!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OT1HCQcSHW0

STELLA GOT HER GROOVE BACK!

Adventure # 57 Changes be Coming!

The true definition of hibernation according to Urban Dictionary is The time period between the three, big, love holidays, Christmas, New Years Eve, and Valentines day. This is a time when men become relationship free, to avoid, gifts, dinners, and long term relationship commitments. Well, my holidays have seemed to blend into two whole years of the couch, takeout, wine and questions. Since December, I have lost 21 pounds and to put it simply.. Got My Groove Back! Yeah, Yeah I know that sounds like a movie from 10 years ago.. but I can honestly say I can feel it! I had a conversation with a long time friend a few weeks ago about change. OK OK not the Obama kind of change.. the subtle changes you make in daily life that can effect your overall attitude. I have stopped asking and waiting for someone to help me change and started just doing it myself. Well, how does this all pertain to Brutus you ask?  Well, in Brutus's perspective... He is not into all this change! Of course he loves the extended park and play times but the other morning we had a serious roadblock during our early morning walk.  It's something about a 7 A.M. walk, the nice spring Florida breeze and I was Jackhammering down Osprey Ave. after my triple latte... WE WERE OFF! Apparently, I did not inform Brutus that after a exceptional evening out with someone new...  I was ready to take on the world! We go past our usual route, sticking to the crisscross cute back roads, we end up a little too far from home. I am on my 4th or 5th song of Adele and realize someone is over it! Instead of trying to turn this boat around.... my 65 pound English Bulldog ends up plopping right on the pavement and will not budge. I promise him with  homemade cookies and water and after about 2 steps of the promised reward... he plops down again! Mommy might have her groove back but Brutus would rather be sitting on the couch watching Animal Planet. At this point, I am at least 6 blocks from my house. I grab his collar and guide him about 7 more steps, with much hesitation he smacks down again and makes a sound kind of like a ginormous raw egg hitting a buttery frying pan! This tired little guy is not going anywhere. Lifting weights and sweating out my frustrations lately gave me the complete confidence to pick this guy up and carry him all the way home. Yep, and that is just what I did. I have heard of this happening to owners of bulldogs before but always thinking shit wont even happen to me, I inside said to myself.. "You have got to be FING kidding me?" I started out holding just his front half and let his white chocolate, drum stick legs just dangling towards the ground. When the awkwardness grew more intense... I switched it up. Track 3 please! Rumor Has It by Adele. This song could not be more perfect! I put my right arm under his armpits and my left arm under his belly just shy of his overstuffed ball sack! Weight is evened out. Song is rocking, cars driving by most likely laughing their asses off! I carried my freaking bully all the way back to our house. Rumor Has It... Stella's Got Her Groove Back!
  

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bachelor%20hibernation

Adele - Rumour has it (with lyrics)

...Best Smile Goes Too?

Adventure #56 Tampa Bay Bulldog Parade

I don't have kids. At the rate I'm going... I won't for awhile. So, when the opportunity came up to enter my pride and joy into the Tampa Bay Bulldog Parade, I obviously did not hesitate. It was a nice February Saturday in Florida and after days of preparation, we were ready! I say days of preparation because after three costume mishaps including ARRRR The Pirate, a Moo Cow From Chick-Fil-A and a Patriotic Army Solider we finally got it right! Well, so I thought. So, for all those "real"parents I am sure you have been there before. You buy the cutest outfit. The socks, the adorable backwards hat and they won't keep it on? Yep, that was Brutus. He actually ate through the cardboard army tank box that I spent 5 hours on constructing on my only day off! He also ripped through his made for a kid in a coma plastic vest. After 3 hours during happy hour just the night before my regulars.. Auntie Kate, Auntie Carla, Auntie Ann and Auntie Kathy constructed a Moo Cow costume of the famous Cows from Chick-Fil-A! It had cow ears, cow bells, and the cute famous sign for his back reading: Eat More Cats! It was original and adorable! Though, at 8 A.M. the following morning, it quickly turned to a slobber-filled and pee stained mess. Remember people we are talking a Bulldog and not a toy cup poodle!

We arrived at the event with the above just in case costume changes and a backpack full of poop bags, slobber towels and cookies! After registering we ran into the best helper of all. Auntie Jill! She came in handy to hold the camera, the poop bags and at some points the BEAST! For about twenty minutes we scouted out our competition and sized up the other big ballas out there. I am not gonna lie... I was shaking! To give Brutus and I all the extra confidence.. my team of supporters showed up in hundreds! (Uncle Mark, Uncle Bill, Auntie Carla, Auntie Anne, Aunt Kathy, Auntie Jill, Auntie Shanna and Auntie Kate) came out screaming and cheering for yours truly.. BRUTUS BEEFCAKE!!! Just seconds before we entered the arena It hit me... "What the Hell am I doing out Here?  Is this for real?" We made our way around the terror of a circle and ended up directly in front of the main judge! Best of Show was announced, then best dressed, then best couple? With the cheer and whistling from my side of the crowd, very soon the last award was announced....TA DA....and BEST SMILE GOES OUT TOO>>>>>  BRUTUS BEEF CAKE OF SARASOTA!! THE CROWD GOES CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S TEN AM... IT WAS TIME TO PARTY!!!!!!!!! We all head down to O' Leary's to celebrate and bask in the spotlight which for one year will be held by Brutus Beef Cake as Best Smile!

I have enclosed a video of the tank that I tried to construct on my own that week. Yep... Wishful thinking Mommy! See Video Below!

Tank Dog Remix - Epic War Battle

Just The Two Of Us!

Adventure #55 Single Motherhood

So, I don't really have an excuse this time besides...I haven't been in the mood to be on here. How can I expect you guys to read this stuff, if I'm not writing it right? The weeks lately have been filled with boot camp, more rats, best friend's wedding plans and of course work. The past few weeks have not included.. Daddy? About a month ago, I woke up and realised how unhealthy and non-productive it was having "Daddy Day Care," around at a drop of a hat. Although, he was a great guy and a great Daddy, it was time to let it all go. Brutus now has a Uncle Rob and an Auntie Jill. Sometimes an Uncle Keven comes by to take him out and "score chicks" with him but other then that, It's Just Us!  Some of you are probably like what is wrong this girl? It's just a dog. Besides the fact that I never wanted a dog being single or until I was responsible, I work very long hours.. or did. I cannot stand the idea of little monster man at home all by himself for over 8 hours. He's my little sugar butt. We have had some adjustments around here. I am having to wake up even earlier to walk/run him to make up for "Daddy" time loss. Funny enough, almost like a divorce Brutus is benefiting. "Mommy" has now made trips to Pet Co. a weekly event. Call them pity gifts or call them who else am I gonna spend this stuff on?  However, I am fine with it and so is Brutus. Being the only know real dominant one in the house, the humping, roughness and craziness has somewhat subsided. I never really got a handle on it and with now being the only one he has to listen too, he has no choice. In my search to get it right this time and cope with this crap... I found a funny website. It is called "Dating Site For Single Pet Parents and Those That Love Them!" Apparently there are other broken pet homes out there! I have listed the site at the end of my post to help others! The only thing is I also googled "Dating for weirdos and whack jobs," and a whole bunch of more information came in handy. Odd. 

I do wonder if he Brutus misses the whole idea of all of us together? Is he now a product of a broken home? Will I somehow turn him gay with these excessive outfits and collar choices? Will there ever be another Daddy to take the old ones place? My friends and family seem to think so... Brutus and I however are still outside on the fence!

Dating Site for Single Pet Parents & Animal Lovers

The Rat Strikes Again!

Adventure #54 Naughty, Naughty Mommy...

The Holidays, tons of work, vacation and the 1500 Brutus Bite Cookees I made for the holidays equals NO BLOG! I had a bunch of extra stuff going on and with that I have been absent from my writing endeavours. Since we last "talked" I traveled to Minnesota to see my tiny family. I have also been invited to be a bridesmaid in a girlfriend's wedding! Brutus has also been to a new vet! His name is Dr. Koch and he is amazing! He specializes in Bulldog Breeds and owns 11

Brachycephalic Dogs

 including 4 English Bullies! According to Dr. Koch... Brutus is at a "Perfect Adult A.K.C.  English Standard weight!" Thanks to Mommy's walks and the daily measurement of his food...we are at a perfect weight! Apparently the "American Standard" is ten pounds over his weight! Big shock! Americans are fatter and thicker then our neighbors across the pond! Which brings me to my second point! I too am on a complete weight loss and get fit plan! Like I said earlier I am in a wedding in May and frankly, being a single bridesmaid... I think it's time to look fabulous! With that, I have joined boot camp and also have been even more active with Brutus. The walks have gotten longer and our time spend together more enjoyable!

Enough of the Catch-Up! On to the Rat!

I had a rare last Saturday off and I had decided to be a good girl and go home early from a "mid-town might get crazy night!" I zoomed home to my little meat head sitting in the window, strolled down the block with a nightcap in tote and savored up the rest of my day off! I nestled with cuddle bug and finished watching "A Nightmare on Elm Street," and drifted off into semi wine coma and toasty tranquility! I failed to mention that it has been colder in Florida and I actually had to turn the heat on! At a nice 70 degrees and climbing, I welcomed another four legged friend into my home. Perhaps he had friends with him but I will pray he was single and lonely.. and perhaps wanted a late-night snack?? Yep That's It!! Anyhow... My mighty dog woke me up as usual to a Firework sound coming from down the hall! I thought, it might had been the neighbors again shooting of left over fireworks from New Years Eve! However, sneaking down the hallway next to my guard dog, I realised the sound was a lot more local! Apparently, I had a Nightmare on Prospect Street! Bang, Bang...BooM BooM! Holy Crap..This thing is actually in my Oven!!!!!!!! See, I had just taken my burners off and was replacing the drip pans under them. I am assuming that this little bugger worked his way down and and now was stuck somewhere between the broiler and somewhere a little too close to home! My Brutus set up shop directly in front of the oven, he had set up his post and with every snarl and rustle this dog was not moving! I have no idea how big this thing really is. I also really wanna make sure he doesn't make off with my Chardonnay, that I am going to pound to fall asleep tonight! I begin to make the two A.M. phone calls. Most of my friends are still out or unreliable. I find two traps in my storage closet and actually begin to google: How to Set a Rat Trap! I found the funniest video in my exploration of the Internet during pure torture! I have linked it below for all your enjoyment! In conclusion, I am definitely a total girl! We hunkered down two umbrellas fully opened in front of my bedroom doors. Seals on the oven top! Door wedge shut with very nice vintage chair, 3 blankets wedged tightly under door and wine, water for dog and 4 blankets on bed, we slip back into a coma and wonder why the Hell I attract so many scary looking creatures?

How to set up a mouse trap

See! It's Not My Fault!

Adventure #53 Mommy Started It!

They say that you learn most of your traits when you are little. Well, I am kicking myself in the ass, when I discovered this video in my video archive. This is the very first day I had him. The very first day he had many questions and discoveries. The very first day, I taught him how to be a BRUT!
See Below. See Me Crying. Other Pup Pictured was "Daddy's" dog Thumper. 17 years old. May she rest in peace...