Super Size This!

Adventure #44 Bitches Be Trippin' Over Their Own Fat Rolls...

Unfortunately, when I have beers... I don't eat. My diet lately has consisted of Red Bull, Star Bucks and the occasional Miller Light. Yep, at this age I should probably be more balanced. Well, a lot of things should. On this particular Sunday Night, I met my friend James out for beers at our local spot. Picking at this Tuna Tempura thing, I easily lost interest in our "amazing convo" and returned home early and hungry! Bru and I dazzled back to our dwelling both slightly buzzed. I open up the fridge, and it might have well just said, "Holy crap you are single." I have 12 Dressing bottles of "Let's Eat Just Salads This Week" and a package of Frosty Paws... hm not gonna really fill me up tonight? I head to the closest and most fattening place in my neighborhood... Yep, you guessed it. Peeling across the street, we head to Wendy's and I get a Taste of my own Frosty! I order The Baconator with cheese but after five Frosty Miller Lights, I opt for the Large Combo! Oh, yeah and a Frosty For Fun! This Freaking Sprite is bigger then Brutus's face and will not fit in my Jeep's Cup Holder! Holy frostyfullofgoodnesspolozza! My Beef Cake is sitting and actually being good as the over sized herself cashier screams out a "oooh loookk at himmmmm hes so cuuuuute!" He lunges across my gallon of Sprite and me and practically ends up in the drive-thru window. The cashier is hard to not make fun because YES I too am in line for a mountain of calories...but let's just make fun of her anyway. She has a gorging muffin top. Does everyone know what a muffin top is? O.K. kids your Urban Dictionary insert for today... The abdominal spillover that results from a husky woman wearing a too-tight pair of low-cut pants. Sweet Jesus! Look at the muffin top on that deuce.  For more info see: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=muffin+top Well, she also had a pig like nose ring, heavy black eye-liner that pretty much said, "I was forced to watch my Dad bathe when I was a young pup." However, this was all chocolate covered drizzled on top with a sweet and girlie exterior personality. hmmmm.  I am perplexed. I pay and I start to pull away another bad choice of crunchiness, she yells out, "Wait! I got something for him!" In Star Bucks line and most drive-thrus in Sarasota, I have received many doggie treats. I heel and wait for Mr. Ball Sack to get another treat this evening. She huffs and puffs her way back to the window and before I realize what she has in her engorged hands, he chomps it up. Um.... WTF? What was it? I asked.... "Oh, just a spicy fried chicken finger!" said the 2 months away from being bedridden "Wendy". I peeled away in discuss and looked at the finger-lickin' good fatty next to me. Enjoy it now, cause that will be your first and your last taste of complete pudgy shame. I However returned home and ate everything but the Sprite. I will work it off in the morning and walk to go get Star Bucks! The End.

Down Ward Dog

Adventure # 41 Summer Blues

Ahhh Summer Love. The smell of the ocean, my cocktail, his lips, his sweaty ball sack and my dignity have all grown tiresome. I am in a rut and Brutus is just going along for the ride. I have lost a lot of interest and motivation in just daily things. The laundry and the bills are piling up. Yet, I still am standing still. This morning, I actually got motivated and ran him to the "Handsome Salon" for the day while I scooted around town gathering items like I was hoarding up for winter. (The dog food, the wine, the steaks, the dirty gossip mags, the oh just another quick stop at Chipotle again!) I freaking love that place. It is "dog friendly" but not bikini friendly. O.K. While waiting for Mr. Mr. to get cute I headed up this fine burrito loading station! My lunch included: A Steak Burrito, a side of chips, salsa and their to die for guacamole.... Calorie totaling just for the Steak Burrito: 1280 Cal. with a cheese thighs whooping 49 Grams of Fat!!! Holy I Will Never Have Sex Again Waistline!! Holy sign me up for Sweating to The Oldies with Richard Simmons, Holy Guacamole!!! Burrito loading station... NO SHIT!! I am going to need 12 laxatives... I am going to have to start being one of those girls that does their hair and nails but doesn't notice their gigantic ass protruding under their Spandex!! AHHHHHHHH! Here is the information link just in case you wanna purge later. OK back to the rest of the story!

So, I take my enlarged booty back to "Yuppy Puppy Pet Salon," and after $50 dollars of no hair cut just the bells and whistles bath.. he is looking like an extra white Marshmallow! He looks awesome.. I however run... I mean drive back to the house to change into a comfy pair of "yoga pants." I say "yoga pants" because I own about 14 pairs in all colors but have yet to attended or DVD one single session. I bought the mat, got everything of course matchy-matchy but yep, you guessed never down-ward-doggie-styled anywhere. We are now out on our usual but slower walk and my sister calls. Sometimes My sister and I can talk for hours and on this particular day, it was no different. We gab about everything and on this day I was complaining about all sorts of things. As I approached a fork in the road, this white haired AARP lady stopped suddenly. I told her to walk by first as she was walking two ridiculous ankle bitter white poodles. Did I mention it has been raining a lot? Well anyways, I have the phone in one hand, Bru's Leash in the other and a Delicious steamer wedged in a bag somewhere in between all that and the FING lady wont budge! She won't move to one side of the pavement! She wont let me pass on the sidewalk and she wont go first! So, I again say, "Ma'am please it's fine!" and in her Cape Cod accent she shouts. "You Go First I am Worried!"  JESUS CHRIST WOMAN!! Great! I then guide my freshly clean dog in mud, puddles and rain water so this lady feels "safe" from my dog. UNREAL! $50 down the drain and I get so frustrated, I shout out too Brutus: "You FING Pile Of Shit!" The lady which had already passed me turns around with the "holy crap I am scared look" and thinks I am talking to her. I sadly have to say sorry ma'am I was yelling at my dog, not you. I hang up with my sister, head back to the house and finish the FING Awesome Burrito! Crouching Dog Hidden Six Pack My ASS!