Mac D.O.A.

Adventure #46 Sad Mac

Well, some of you have probably noticed that I haven't posted anything in almost 2 weeks. That Might because of a tiny little thing missing. Nope, not Brutus. My Computer. My new Mac Book Laptop that I possessed for such a short time decided to become a chew toy, for my fabulous Bully Brutus! After a night of working and drinking I wobbled home and begin what I like to call: "Drunk Face Booking!" It's pretty funny, see you roam through pictures of people and their numerous children none of them whom you have met. You wonder... just how they could ever be married to a guy that looks like that? You come across the ones that were so much cuter in High school and the ones that have packed on more pounds their faces are now hidden between their neck rolls. There are the exes, the school teachers, the girls you were never really friends with. With this, the time passes me by and its close to 3 AM. I head to the bathroom for a quick second when I a hear the most interesting sound. Rabble, rabble, CRUNCH, CrUNCH! Shatter, shatter BREAK BREAK!! I peer down the hallway and there is my bulldog with both of his fat flaps tugging on the corner of my $1300 laptop! WTF??? BRUTUS!!!!!!!! STOPPPPP! YOUR AN ASSHOLE!! He begins to drag it halfway down the hallway towards me and terror stomps my heart and shatters my nerves. I completely take on the image of The Exorcist! You know the little girl that gets possessed and shoots vomit out of her mouth! I Yell every single swear word known to man back at this dog and all I can do is sob and only be mad at myself. I so mad that he turns two on Thursday and he is still not trained. I am mad that I left the computer on the floor. I am mad that everything nice seems to have slobber, cracks, stains and tears on it. Some response to my posts have been funny, witty, charming and interesting. Well, this one is sad. I am computerless for now but I still am Brutusfilled.

With Hope You Will Hear From Me Again Soon-

Sad in Sarasota

Toss and Turning

Adventure #43 Counting Sheep!

Toss and Turn. Roll over get some water. Bark. Bark. Cough. Cough. It's Too Hot in Here! I can't stand this pillow! Friday Night, It's 3 A.M. and I have to be back at work at 10. 7 hours you say no problem. Well, not when your mind and heart are racing with questions and concerns. It's not gonna happen. I am up and so is The Beast! He's restless and ready for a late night adventure. I put on my finest don't rape me tonight sweats and head South down Osprey Ave. We are out peeing, pooping, drinking some fine Walgreen's Chablis and oh yeah the best part... Window Shopping. With all the stores closed now at 4 A.M. I am safe from a shop-my-feelings-credit-card-melt-down...we proceed. We first stop at his second favorite Dog Shop called, "Woof Gang Bakery." I say 2nd cause Duh, my homemade cookies are his favorite. Hello! They are named after him for Brutus sake! I like the store displays and all the cute accessories in this quaint place but the sales lady/owner is such a pretentious bitch! We take a pic and proceed. He lunges across the street too his favorite dog bowl hole and at 4:30 A.M. even my, "I know every bartender in town," isn't gonna get one tonight! It's crazy; that he remembers landmarks in his neighborhood, is it crazy that we are still out?  Maybe he is smarter then I think. We head past Morton's, if you don't live here which I am assuming my Bangladesh people have never been...(so weird.) Morton's is a Gourmet very expensive market. People there pay at least 75% more then they would down the street but with their sweaters tied to one side of their THIS YEARS POLOS...it's acceptable! The store is pretty cute though. I think I opted too splurge one day and got a pound of $26 dollar coffee. It's still in my pantry. Our last stop, while we crissed-crossed...(JUMP JUMP) on the way home was C-Cup and Up! It's a men's and woman's underneaths store. I like their window displays but easily pass aka stubble by after Legends but "someone" wanted to peruse these goods. Brutus was so interested in the mannequins. I don't know if he thought they were actual people, I don't know if he felt he needed a pair of Star Wars Boy Briefs but he wanted in! We took pictures of him poising as if he was the next "IT THING!" So, I gave in and sat there for awhile and tried to breathe and relax. All of sudden the time passed us by and I realized just how late it was. A runner fully equipped with dual water bottles and headlight ran passed us! Um.... this guy has already been to bed and I am still up! Yep, need to get back. On the way home, I actually got tired. He seemed over it too. Shopping Bag less, my wine drip less, it was time for bed. We didn't need to count sheep. We just needed a late night stroll and some $46 cute panties to put us into a 2 hour coma. Nightie Night.

Down Ward Dog

Adventure # 41 Summer Blues

Ahhh Summer Love. The smell of the ocean, my cocktail, his lips, his sweaty ball sack and my dignity have all grown tiresome. I am in a rut and Brutus is just going along for the ride. I have lost a lot of interest and motivation in just daily things. The laundry and the bills are piling up. Yet, I still am standing still. This morning, I actually got motivated and ran him to the "Handsome Salon" for the day while I scooted around town gathering items like I was hoarding up for winter. (The dog food, the wine, the steaks, the dirty gossip mags, the oh just another quick stop at Chipotle again!) I freaking love that place. It is "dog friendly" but not bikini friendly. O.K. While waiting for Mr. Mr. to get cute I headed up this fine burrito loading station! My lunch included: A Steak Burrito, a side of chips, salsa and their to die for guacamole.... Calorie totaling just for the Steak Burrito: 1280 Cal. with a cheese thighs whooping 49 Grams of Fat!!! Holy I Will Never Have Sex Again Waistline!! Holy sign me up for Sweating to The Oldies with Richard Simmons, Holy Guacamole!!! Burrito loading station... NO SHIT!! I am going to need 12 laxatives... I am going to have to start being one of those girls that does their hair and nails but doesn't notice their gigantic ass protruding under their Spandex!! AHHHHHHHH! Here is the information link just in case you wanna purge later. OK back to the rest of the story!

So, I take my enlarged booty back to "Yuppy Puppy Pet Salon," and after $50 dollars of no hair cut just the bells and whistles bath.. he is looking like an extra white Marshmallow! He looks awesome.. I however run... I mean drive back to the house to change into a comfy pair of "yoga pants." I say "yoga pants" because I own about 14 pairs in all colors but have yet to attended or DVD one single session. I bought the mat, got everything of course matchy-matchy but yep, you guessed never down-ward-doggie-styled anywhere. We are now out on our usual but slower walk and my sister calls. Sometimes My sister and I can talk for hours and on this particular day, it was no different. We gab about everything and on this day I was complaining about all sorts of things. As I approached a fork in the road, this white haired AARP lady stopped suddenly. I told her to walk by first as she was walking two ridiculous ankle bitter white poodles. Did I mention it has been raining a lot? Well anyways, I have the phone in one hand, Bru's Leash in the other and a Delicious steamer wedged in a bag somewhere in between all that and the FING lady wont budge! She won't move to one side of the pavement! She wont let me pass on the sidewalk and she wont go first! So, I again say, "Ma'am please it's fine!" and in her Cape Cod accent she shouts. "You Go First I am Worried!"  JESUS CHRIST WOMAN!! Great! I then guide my freshly clean dog in mud, puddles and rain water so this lady feels "safe" from my dog. UNREAL! $50 down the drain and I get so frustrated, I shout out too Brutus: "You FING Pile Of Shit!" The lady which had already passed me turns around with the "holy crap I am scared look" and thinks I am talking to her. I sadly have to say sorry ma'am I was yelling at my dog, not you. I hang up with my sister, head back to the house and finish the FING Awesome Burrito! Crouching Dog Hidden Six Pack My ASS!

Do You Like This Color?

Adventure # 39 "I'm In The Hue For Love

So, I have to remember that I have expanded my readers from my normal Gmail and Face Book to "Bob" in Indiana and "Jai Jim" In Bangkok! I also have a reader named "Kenane from Jamaica and a reader a "Adriene" from West Hollywood! I have to remind you guys that up to this point, I have never mentioned my name, my age or shown my face in any picture in my blog. My popularity has grown unexpectedly larger then I had thought and I am excited to keep expanding! So, my apologies to my friends that have probably seen this video already. It's a oldie but goodie and truly explains Brutus's Curiosity! This video was taken when he was about 6 months old. He has always been very curious with most beauty products that I use but on this particular afternoon, he was so engaged it was worth recording! I absolutely adore that #1 He is sitting so still and # 2 That I actually captured his shifty eyes and his "approval" of this particular shade. I loved this dog from the first time I ever held him. At 63 pounds now, don't know if I could ever again? Enjoy! This is one of my absolute favorites!

Poolside Cabana For One Please?

Adventure #21 The Biggest Plastic Chew Toy Ever

So, its my day off and glancing at myself Wednesday morning, I noticed something was missing. My Tan? Where did it go? I live in Florida for God's sake and these crisp sun-drenched tourists look better then me. So, there I was another hour to do anything moment. It took one hour to: go to the store buy tanning lotion, make lemonade, clean out his lizard, dirty, infested pool, fill the pool up with water, buy and float his duckies, get a towel ready, wash off the patio table and finally change into my swimsuit and grab the dog. WOOOO! Brutus goes rushing through the back gate and dives into the pool belly flop style with great joy! AHHHHH....It was finally time for me to sip on my cool lemonade and catch up on my delicious gossip magazines. I was just diving into Kim K., Katy Perry and the latest off screen fight between some twit on the "Real Housewives," when I was sadly interrupted. After exactly 3 minutes from entering the pool and playing with his duckies, he decides his green pool is his new chew toy! The scratching turns into biting, ferocious growling turns into a mad man and little by little the pool get destroyed. In the past week, I have been accused of "stretching" my stories by a few readers. These readers have never owned an English Bulldog, these readers have never met Brutus! Just to prove a point and bare the future comments, I decided to videotape this debacle. There is no exaggeration. There is no stretching the truth. The only thing I wanna stretch is Brutus's face for doing this to my backyard and to his pool. People would pay money to sit on my roof and watch my hopeful day of getting a tan, wash away. This dog is crazy. This dog is white, and so am I!

Acid Covered Collection Spring 2011

Adventure #19 Attack of The Disgruntled Tourist

Tiki Bars on the West Coast of Florida come with many of the same qualities of other coasts. The main characteristics of these Hot Spots include : Over-prices-weak-alcohol-colorful drinks, island style music, steel drums, fresh smelling local fare, the locals and then the very offensive tourist. Interesting enough on some days at my local spot, I have seen fanny-packs, butt cracks, burping bulging fat guys and my favorite disgruntled slutty girls. This day was no different. At the start of Spring the girls are running wild, most people have been sitting in the sun drinking for hours, and then there are the others, "I don't bother to wear sunscreen lobster red faces!" I had just got out to the Marina and was randomly sober compared to all the others out there that day. I had on a baseball hat and a casual T-shirt, the tourists were ordained with perfect "Lilly Pulitzer" pink and green outfits. The "Ladies who Lunched" sipped there casual cocktails with their Botox and lip injected faces and I belly-up and chugged my Miller Lite under the setting sun. I was meeting my friend Elisabeth and she was READY2Go! I am there for about 10 minutes when one of the Older Lilly Models approached us. "Oh, Your Dog is SO Cute!" What's his name?" Said the lady that looked she hadn't taken a number 2 since last Tuesday! Um, This is Brutus, but be careful he is still a puppy and is very excited to be here! The lady reaches down to pet his already slobber-filled face and he pounces both paws on her cute over-priced flower-filled ensemble. Oops! Your bad.

The look of disgust travels from the bottom of her face and I guess to the top of her forehead, but obviously can't quite tell because of the Botox. Anyways, I apologize immediately cause I actually do feel bad that her skirt was harmed, so I offered her a napkin. She then says, "Ah, No Thanks that wont rid the slobber." My mind instantly flashes back onto the movie the Blob. Am I showing my age or do you guys remember it? Picture this scene: Sexy Female on the lake when the famous red goo rises through the cracks of the dock. The mixture of slime and pure evil start to rise over the girls body as her skin peels away slowly. This is the exact reaction this lady had on her face. She dramatically acted as if this mixture was going to melt her face off.  Now here is where my friend goes off: 1.) You were warned. 2.) You are dressed for a white linen table cocktail party not a beach bar. 3.) Your Over-Priced Skirt is Ugly! (don't know if that is valid but it felt good hearing it and 4.) IT'S JUST SALIVA LADY!! The uncomfortable scene travels from one end of the bar to the other.. And then that is when it is my cue to leave. Combined quote from The Blob 1988 and myself this would be the Trailer: If it had a mind you could reason with it, if it had a face, you could look it in the eye. if it had a body you could shoot it.....Now woman in ugly skirt you are not the supreme intelligent one anymore at this Tiki Bar...Lady I think you just pissed it off! Terror has no shame!

Date Night Smack Down

Adventure #18 Delay of Game

There are two extra balls on the court! They say that females are the ones that get primped and pretty for any date but that was not the case for my English Bulldog Brutus Last Night. Yep, u guessed, he was extra white, teeth brushed, nails filed and face de-drooled. He was looking good and excited! We were headed for Uncle Rob's and Aunt Alicia's House. Casa DE Mojitos and Oyster BBQ. The thrill of him jolting towards the front door to see his lady in waiting, the one his only... a pretty boxer named Rica! See they were sweethearts right from the start at the age of 9 weeks. Growing anticipation for the longing for her he sprinted through the living room, to find two extra surprises!  ANOTHER MAN????? Game Over Brutus! You got shot down! Two extra balls were flying through the air and on to his sweethearts face! WTFHIHDH??????? Translation (what the flying heck is he doing here)!!!!!! Yep, another Boxer! And a big one! He was rough around the edges, face all torn up and weathered! Eyes when they glare back at you only can imagine that this dog's been places..(If you know what I mean.) BOOOOOO! I have yet to mentioned in my blog that um mm drum roll? Brutus is a Virgin! He is as pure and white as his perfect coat and has been waiting for his long lost love Rica. Fast forward to the second half when all Hell breaks loose! Brutus comes to find this horn dog mounting his princess with no shame; right in front of him! Thrusting and Pumping in the middle of the back yard. Face full of dirt and shame covers the vibe of the party like warm spilled Jello. They sniff each other and give light butterfly I miss you kisses, and then the unwelcome bastard mixed breed, ugly, unclaimed pimp comes racing for her! Brutus turns to me as if to say, "Mom, really? I am so more handsome!" We go on with our BBQ, and Bru takes his place gentlemanly on the chair and patiently waits for his princess to return to his side. AHHHH Booo.... His lady glances back at him and whispers.... I Still Olive Juice!

Beach or Bust!

Adventure #15 Point and Click!

I decided the only way to truly understand what is going through my dogs head, was to record it. I placed my camera on his collar facing outwards his path ahead. Somewhere between 18 rubber bands, a paper clip, plastic wrap and much creativity;  I had the camera drool proof and ready! We were off! Out to our usual place by the bay. He loves it! There are many other dogs there and much eye candy for me! The only way to explain my dogs walks are tiring. From the sound of the waves crashing and his love of seashells, this dog hearts the beach! This video is not for the easily dizzy type. Remind you, I am not a professional photographer, I am not perfect, there I said it X-boyfriend # 17. I am an amateur just trying to capture the cute moments between my boyfriend Brutus and I. As shown in the video, this dog twists and turns, jumps and snorts his way out to the beach. He loves everything from the sand to the tourists sporty speedos! I think my favorite part (if you watch it all the way through), is him leaping on top of a rock and missing it. He falls backwards and unlike most people I know, try's again. This video not only shows my dogs love of the beach, it shows me that even the smallest thing like going for a walk, is pure joy! Taking time to enjoy my life each day and breathe is my new adventure.