Baby Come Back!

Adventure #38  I put a dollar in one of those change machines.  
Nothing changed.  ~George Carlin

Why Does it seem like my dog has changed more in the last two years then I have? If you know me personally, you know what I am gonna say. OK well... people in and all over my lives are making changes and big ass ones. On any given day, another one of my friends up North or anywhere are prego, one is getting engaged, the other getting a divorce, another on her forth kid and my favorite ahhhh sigh.... the June Wedding. Sorry if u were married in June but come on people... How freaking predictable??? Blah... I compare June weddings to sandpaper, standard white sheets. They are just Blah, they are just wrong, they are just worth brushing down the aisle of bed bath and beyond to something more exciting. Again, sorry if u married in June but I didn't think you were reading this because u liked that I was a sugar coater. Anyways, life around here seems to be at a complete stand still and I think some of my friends think I am becoming bitter.  Brutus and I are on a complete routine and about to sign another lease extension on our humble de slobber. Though, I have to ask... Why? Why am I opting to stay put? Not much has changed and I guess I realize it more when other people are changing constantly. Brutus has completely changed from a perfect white snowball to a smelly, stained, wrinkled and old man face. Some of my readers have asked me to post pictures of the little guy in the beginning. These are the cutest ones of the bunch and I am wondering if he could have gotten any cuter? He was a lot harder to deal with back then (if u can guess that) so I guess that's a good change. And he also was smaller... a lot smaller and easier to tame. Like any male after time, they become less and less obedient and over the last year, I guess I lost my dominance. I miss my old little puppy, I miss carrying him in my arms... I miss his puppy breath.  In recent posts, I have included various old school songs to go along with some of my thoughts. I have received funny comments about each one, all good. So to stick with past precedence here's a good oldie for all to enjoy this evening.  P.S. I don't think I was even born yet but for some reason... I Heart this song! The hair and the graphics are hysterical!

Purchasing An Expensive Slap Chop!

Adventure #22 What To Do About His You-Know-Whats? 


So, I think I Have put it off for long enough...What's the deal with my dog's nuts? To chop or not to chop, that is the question... My vet said yes from the very first time they met, my bruises from the humping say yes, my x says Hell No, my sister says please do it so you will stop bitching, all my guy friends say DON'T DO IT!! But, what does Brutus say? Is he still a "man" without them? Will he still be my Brutus? Do I ever wanna breed him? He is a pretty sexy, little meatball. After much research, I am still searching for the magic tool and advice in nut chopping? Is there a Doggy One step Slap Chop? What about Neuticles? You know those fake plastic dog balls like cheap fake breasts? Can I keep them afterwards in the freezer next to my vodka? Can I seal them up in a plastic sip lock bag and hang them from my jeep rear view mirror? Can they be bronzed? Will he start to act like a girl and wanna watch Life Time Television all the time? These are all questions that I need answers too! I need these answers NOW! So, I have been rambling on for just over two months now and I have received some good feedback and a few "oh, I'm trying to help you crap." So, this is your chance. Chop? Or No Chop? I would like a comment back from everyone that reads this article. It takes two secs.. come on people!!! Bru's Nuts are on the chopping block! His swollen glands are asking for your intake! Let me know. ASAPBBNDOU! (as soon as possible because Brutus's Nuts depend on you!) See ya later, I am off to go have a delicious non-threatening chopped salad. 

Pillow Talk

Adventure # 16 Lamb Chop Butt

I literally have 72 words that I call my English bulldog. Booger wrinkle smile, scrumptious face, lover butt, boo boo, hot dog, muscle meat, slobber face, meatball, pork butt, big guy and my favorite Lamp Chop. He is only a year and half now, and no wonder why he doesn't listen. If u know me at all I have a distinct voice. Pretty much ironically when I drink; only dogs can hear it. I never really knew how high it was until my boys back in college used to make fun of me about it. I squeak on a daily basis especially after 3 chardonnays and call my dog all sorts of names. My little slobber poo gives me a look every time I speak and cocks his head as if to say: Seriously? Lady?.... Most of the times if I have cookie he comes Roley Poley bowling ball smack right for me. Other times if I really want him to do something, he quirks his head at whatever new word I just came up with and runs away. This dog is famous for not listening. Like most men in my life, he shrugs off whatever question or request I am asking. (Yeah if that comment hits below the belt, you know who you are.) Anyways, my little meatball head struts around the house and decides when and where he wants to listen. If I find a squirt of poo in the living room and then call him: Forget it! He will never come when called. If I have a warm smelly cookie fresh out of the oven: Hell this dog could enter any pageant or best in show, any day! I can see it now... Now announcing Best in Show! Brutus Muscle Meat Beefcake strutting his big boisterous balls for the crowd again! Give it up for Ball Full Of Luscious Face Lamp Chop!!! And the crowd roars!!!! Cheerleaders flash him, kids get thrown in the air, old people start making out, I'm crying in my Chardonnay!!!!! AHHHAHAHHHHH!!!!  And then he humps the judge and we get disqualified.  Game Over.