Pillow Talk

Adventure # 16 Lamb Chop Butt

I literally have 72 words that I call my English bulldog. Booger wrinkle smile, scrumptious face, lover butt, boo boo, hot dog, muscle meat, slobber face, meatball, pork butt, big guy and my favorite Lamp Chop. He is only a year and half now, and no wonder why he doesn't listen. If u know me at all I have a distinct voice. Pretty much ironically when I drink; only dogs can hear it. I never really knew how high it was until my boys back in college used to make fun of me about it. I squeak on a daily basis especially after 3 chardonnays and call my dog all sorts of names. My little slobber poo gives me a look every time I speak and cocks his head as if to say: Seriously? Lady?.... Most of the times if I have cookie he comes Roley Poley bowling ball smack right for me. Other times if I really want him to do something, he quirks his head at whatever new word I just came up with and runs away. This dog is famous for not listening. Like most men in my life, he shrugs off whatever question or request I am asking. (Yeah if that comment hits below the belt, you know who you are.) Anyways, my little meatball head struts around the house and decides when and where he wants to listen. If I find a squirt of poo in the living room and then call him: Forget it! He will never come when called. If I have a warm smelly cookie fresh out of the oven: Hell this dog could enter any pageant or best in show, any day! I can see it now... Now announcing Best in Show! Brutus Muscle Meat Beefcake strutting his big boisterous balls for the crowd again! Give it up for Ball Full Of Luscious Face Lamp Chop!!! And the crowd roars!!!! Cheerleaders flash him, kids get thrown in the air, old people start making out, I'm crying in my Chardonnay!!!!! AHHHAHAHHHHH!!!!  And then he humps the judge and we get disqualified.  Game Over.

Beach or Bust!

Adventure #15 Point and Click!

I decided the only way to truly understand what is going through my dogs head, was to record it. I placed my camera on his collar facing outwards his path ahead. Somewhere between 18 rubber bands, a paper clip, plastic wrap and much creativity;  I had the camera drool proof and ready! We were off! Out to our usual place by the bay. He loves it! There are many other dogs there and much eye candy for me! The only way to explain my dogs walks are tiring. From the sound of the waves crashing and his love of seashells, this dog hearts the beach! This video is not for the easily dizzy type. Remind you, I am not a professional photographer, I am not perfect, there I said it X-boyfriend # 17. I am an amateur just trying to capture the cute moments between my boyfriend Brutus and I. As shown in the video, this dog twists and turns, jumps and snorts his way out to the beach. He loves everything from the sand to the tourists sporty speedos! I think my favorite part (if you watch it all the way through), is him leaping on top of a rock and missing it. He falls backwards and unlike most people I know, try's again. This video not only shows my dogs love of the beach, it shows me that even the smallest thing like going for a walk, is pure joy! Taking time to enjoy my life each day and breathe is my new adventure.

3 Months and Curious

I have to be lame today and just say hi to all my viewers. HI! And Thank You! Keep Spreading the word. Who knew I had readers in Australia?? So weird! I have 800 things to do today and only 2 hours to do them in. But I wanted to link a video of my little guy when he was very little and very curious. This is his first time at the ocean and his first time off the leash. Enjoy! 

It Looks Like a Two Bag Day!

Adventure #14  Cotton Ball Full Of Meat

Steamer, crap, dump, shit, double shit, pile, load and more commonly referred to as poop. These are a few words to describe my dog's massive excrements that are taken while out on our walks, around the neighborhood. Yep, he poops... A LOT! This dog is a food-eatin-meat-grindin-poop-takin-machine! Every morning, I get that lovely job of waiting patiently until he poops and then even more exciting, I get to cart it back to the house. This dog gets into everything! Cotton Balls, Tissue Paper, Magazine Articles (he likes Sport Illustrated) and my favorite make-up sponges. When out on our walks, I get to experience and discover what lovely item he decided to eat when I wasn't looking. It's kind of like a hidden treasure of surprises. We are on a safari in midtown Sarasota and we are looking for ants, lizards and mixed poop insides. One time he dumped out and entire Q-Tip still intact..still gross. Another time, I found an entire makeup sponge that was now 3 times the size of its original state. I am not a glam kind of girl but I am pretty sure that Cover Girl wasn't intending that kind of Out Last Finish! So, when Brutus was little his poos were half the size of him and now that he is bigger, his poos are pretty much the size of Brutus when he was little.  Do you get it? Well, here picture this- An ankle biting Chihuahua packed with breadcrumbs, mushed with brown mushroom sauce and formed into 5 pound meatballs... Yep! That's pretty much what his poos look like! It is out-of-control- for such a compact dog. Now, I am embarrassingly walking slowly behind him trying not to distract from his CONCENTRATION. He finds his spot (finally) and contorts his body into a pear shaped figure. And then, just like Thumper from the movie Bambie, he thumps two to three times with each paw and it happens! Finally!!!!! Then this is when my untrained dog takes off with grand excitement and pulls at the leash, done the street. I YANK back, and its my turn to get rid of the evidence. It depends where we are at but I like to keep it to these for-instances: There is the "Um no one is looking, lets just brush some leaves on it." There is the "Fake Pick Up" where I scoop whatever leaves or dirt there is directly beside it. And then there is the really OK, "Lets be responsible duty," where I dip up every bit of that huge steamer into 1 Quart Frozen Veggie plastic bag. I slowly seal up the steamer and just like any cartoon the rays of stank rise up thorough the blue and yellow makes green seal. We are done, or he is and I cart the pile of crap and Brutus back to the house. I don't know what's worse? The people driving by gawking at this humongous pile in my hand or in three hours we will have to rewind play and repeat? 

Did I Ask For Your Advice?

Adventure #13 Unwanted Opinions  

It's March in Florida and that means one word... TOURISTS! Hey, don't get me wrong right from the jump. I like um. They pay my bills some months but it's the STUPID TOURISTS that I have a problem with. So they clog up the roads, wear shiny glitter-filled visors, they have license plates that say Maine, Maryland, Ohio and Wisconsin but they are all just here to get some sun and fun. Now, the stupid ones; don't know how to drive, think they own this town cause they drop $3,000 grand a week on some ridiculous floral invested condo. They pretend they don't know how to tip, they talk in funky accents and think that where they come from is the best. Ex.) Best Chowder, Best People, Best Sports Teams Best Life! If its so great then why are u here invading my shore with my dog on my day off? Today, I took Bru Crew to this little doggy inlet by Bird Key. If you have never been to this part of Florida, Bird Key is the spot for highly successful Realtors, semi-famous people and a butt load of money. What's funny is directly behind "Their Key," is a little dog park where dogs roam, pooping everywhere and people get it on at night time. I know this because on a daily trip I at least see 1 to 2 used condoms on our walk. Well, at least someones getting some in and around Bird Key, cause if you were to see the barely hanging in there over middle-aged men that live there; those are some Dockers that never get un-buttoned! Anyway, where was I going with this... Oh Yeah Brutus. Well we are there by the shore minding are own business when this lady with a bedazzled visor and a coral polo shirt on approaches. "Do you know that is Salt Water?" said the lady with the uglier then sin outfit on. Um... Excuse me? Ahhhh yeah. Pretty sure I know its salt water... "Well, I am just asking because your dog is drinking out of the ocean and that will make him sick!" Says the Croc wearing Tourist. Um, well Miss my dog enjoys licking the water because it is salty and he also licks the toilet seat so um yeah can't really stop him. "Well, I was just warning you cause if you didn't live here you are most likely unaware of these things." Says, the woman that should just mind her own business. Um Yeah, I live here. YEAR ROUND!!!!!!!! "Well, we live here too, December- April! Says the are you FING FOR REAL WOMAN! (insert what I should have said here) -YOU DON'T PAY TAXES, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE WATER THE ROADS THE STYLE PAST 1990!!!! Well, thanks a lot says me, I can't make small talk with this lady anymore. Her husband is standing behind her with a obvious Cape Cod Sweatshirt on and guess what? Matches her coral polo perfectly. If I were to put money on it.. These two just got back from a sixty and over Rock concert of Kenny G! AH! SAVE ME!!!! I can smell the taste of "Hotel Soap and I Think I ate Real Grouper Last Night," as the husband approaches. "Where did you get that little monster?" Shouts the Man that wants out of this marriage, I can only hope. I got him from a breeder in Miami, says me I cant wait to get back to the Jeep. Her fake face makes a awkward frown as she says, "Well, you know that there are plenty of Bulldog Rescue Programs Available where we live." Shouts the lady that is clearly a nurse or a 4 year old based on the shoes that she is wearing. Really? says a frustrated dog charity giver me....Well, cool. Going to head back down the beach now...So I am now dragging Brutus down the sand, paws gripping to the shoreline and I begin to think he doesn't like her either... Let's go Brutus! Let them go back swan shaped towels and there P.O. Box Marked: Don't Deliver past April 13th and we will go back to our puppy mill.

Salty Nuts!

Adventure #12  Don't Cry Over Spilled Beers Why is my life exactly opposite of which I intended? I know a lot of people think that but how many people actually will admit that their life is not the carbon copy of their dreams? I one day dreamed of having the perfect beach day. Picture this: the typical tall dark and handsome, forearms for days, crisp khaki pants. ripping muscles through his half-buttoned pale blue shirt, white teeth smiling back at me as he lifts up both of my just as handsome twin boys over his shoulders. Now Picture This: Sweat, saliva, salty beers, buried beach blanket, stolen sandwich, freezing, sand everywhere,  just been back humped cold afternoon with no guy. Hmmm No Exaggeration. Going to the beach with my boyfriend Brutus is exactly opposite of relaxing. If I am not picking up humongous piles of his crap I am making sure he doesn't attack an elderly person's tennis balls on their walker. Yes, I live in Florida and those neon colored tennis balls are ready and almost calling to my English Bulldog, "EAT ME!" Well, 20 mins. earlier I had the hope of a nice day, packing a sandwich for one...ah booooo.. and organizing my cooler. Yes, Its organized. I check the weather and it's the not too hot temp for my barely breathing bully, and were off! The dog beach is the place where many have told me to go and meet other singles. Ah, yeah the people that say these things, are not singles. There I am wind howling past me, hair in knots after 5 minutes, carrying a cooler, a bag full of beach doggy toys, my I Pod, and his beach chair. I say "his" beach chair because once we set up shack, I end up sitting on the sand as he takes over the chair.  So in this is how the next ten minutes pretty goes: One bite of my sandwich and the little shit steals it from my death grip, O.K. gone, beer spills in the sand from a ginormous paw cashing down on it, beach chair gets knock over and travels 17 feet down the beach because of the wind and because someone decided to chase seagulls, the pup starts licking a dead fishes eyeball, I drink a salt infested beer because I really need it now, Frisbee gets buried in sand, two 9 dollar a piece balls get lost in the ocean because "I am sorta scared of the water" won't swim out and get them, 45 dollar doggy life jacket goes unused, sniffing balls of another bulldog, new hot pink beach towel that I once thought would be under me as my hotter then Brad Pitt Husband rubs oil on me; now gets used for a slobber-soaker-upper, 20 mins. later we leaving with half the beach in my jeep, a seepy saliva face and half my dreams down the bay.

Do I Look Fat In This?

Adventure #11 Maybe we should get you another size!

I want to get this straight right from the jump, I think my dog looks naked without a T-shirt. Following in his predecessors footsteps; Uga (The Original Georgia Mascot back in 1956,) wore shirts. And not just shirts, he wore well fitting T's with the famous Team Logo proudly displayed on his back. So, with that being said, I still feel my dog is naked when we leave the house without some sort of item of clothing on. This dog has everything from your standard bandannas (BORING) to swearword wristbands to hats to raincoats to cubs jersey's to Halloween costumes to manly Bill Cosby sweaters to his not so favorite long sleeve T's. At 8 weeks we had our first party with our new family member Brutus. He strutted around in his black gangster hoodie with the words "Mansion Security" written on it. Since then I was hooked! In the beginning he put up no front in getting dressed by me Mom, at any point. Well he was only 9 Pounds so i guess he couldn't do much but lay there and take it. Well, now as soon as I go for his drawer, yes insert joke here- he has his own drawer, he goes leaping off the bed and back into his crate. (Which is known as Jail!) His other favorite spot to hid is under the coffee table. The table is just deep enough so I cant grab him without actually physically picking up and moving the table. Anyways, it is struggle. He does however know that once I get a T on we are going somewhere! This dog has been everywhere. The dog beach, the bars, the ocean, the fish market, the Starbucks....whatever. He loves it. I am keeping it short today but I wanted to include many different looks like he has adorned around town. He has so many looks! By the way did I mention this dog needs to cut back on salt or beer because after wearing a shirt only once, it never fits again? And between you and me, it isn't the dryer!

Sun Is Shining - Bob Marley

Make You Wanna Move Your Dancing Feet!

Adventure #10 "To The Rescue!" 

If you know me at all which some of my readers do very well, I hate being bothered or rushed when I trying to get out the door. I have a routine as with most things in my life and I like structure at least at home. I have no idea how I could ever live with anyone else. Wonder how I made room for my new roommate Brutus. He is a pig. I constantly am re-picking up his basket full of toys, whipping his face or the drool under it. My life is constant. I woke up one day and actually said, "Why is my whole life Have TA?" I have ta do laundry, I have ta pick up dog poop. Well, my "Have Ta," that day was actually a fun one. I have ta get cute to go to Tampa! O.K. I deal with that one. I do not know what my dogs obsession with watching me get ready is? He love my soap, he loves the smell of my makeup and  he loves my brush. (see adventure # 1.) If this were a man he would be the most attentive and enduring kind that there is: but he's not. So I am wedged up on my sink where I like to sit putting on eyeshadow and I hear the most unfamiliar sound. I always have music on in the house and on the ipod that day was a live version of Bob Marley circa 1979. The exact song was "Sun is Shining!" I open the bathroom door (which I slammed on his face earlier cause he was humping my leg) so I could see what the Hell was going on! There he was my manly bulldog head straight up, ears back howling at the ceiling! I wanted to run and find the camera but on that day, I sat on the bathroom tile and laughed my freaking ass off! I don't know if its was the high pitched keyboard notes or just the pure ghost of Bob Marley?!  Though, My English bully that day exuded soul like a true dread lock Rastafarian! I was ready to run out and buy him a yellow, red and green bandanas! I was ready to light him up a smoke! I know you guys think I am crazy but I tested it. I played some Jack Johnson and I got nothing! So, I went back to the exact same 
song and once again, the howling! Yep, it's settle my dog is awesome. My dog is cultural. 
My dog might be Bob Marley?

I Would Like to Make A Deposit Please!

Adventure # 9 Chocolate or Vanilla?

It's Three A.M. and I just got off a long, hard night at work.  My recently responsible 6 month bulldog, has finally achieved the right to be out of his crate, when I am at work. Well, so I thought. This is back at my old place where it is covered in nice white carpet and in a perfectly organized living room. Small but ideal for my boyfriend Brutus and I to call home. He runs up to me as I open the door with a tube of super glue in his mouth. Ummmmmm... O.K. So he wants to follow in his Mom's paw steps for love for crafts or we are in trouble. BIG TROUBLE. Picture this: Torn baskets, half-chewed packs of gum, shredded tissue paper, chew-up scissors, spilled blue ink at least three feet across the carpet and blue footprints leading in and out of the scene of the crime. Well, I don't have to be a forensic scientist to realize that my bulldog is GUILTY!!! He now is parading with 3-4 tubes of hot glue gun refills and I soon realize I want a refund on this damn dog! Either that or I am going to hot glue gun his ass inside that freaking crate! I can't believe that I thought he was growing up already and I can't believe that I didn't notice all the poop? Well, traveling into my bedroom was Dairy Queen Style Soft Serve Ice Cream Doodles all over my bed, the floor and more craft supplies. And the best surprise was ironically an envelope marked: SAVINGS! Yep, I stash extra money in this envelope when ever its laying around, and one day I would have used it for a down payment or a trip to Tahiti or something! Each dollar bill is now soaked in juicy, smelly, blue inked-filled poooooo!! REALLY? Now, it's at least 4 A.M. I have already made the sobbing call to the X Boyfriend and I am on the floor trying salvage whats left of all of this? "Mr. Guilty and Get the Hell Away from Me comes up and licks my tear-filled face. God, his cute little "I need Botox face," does it every time. Ahhhhhh BOOOOOOOOOO It's O.K.

The Best Part of Waking Up?

Adventure # 8 Rude Awakenings

I don't need an alarm clock. Haven't needed one in 18 Months. My alarm clock snores, farts, burps and takes up 3/4 the bed. Nope, he is not a man, he is my English Bulldog. Brutus apparently has an internal alarm clock; 8 A.M. on the pushed-in nose, it goes off. No matter what time we go to bed, he is up ready to go and wanting.... FOOD!!!!! He has a routine and this is how it goes. Wake up, stretches, sniffs my face, goes and lays back down, gets up again and begins the routine of "morning annoyances". He starts at my toes and works his way up to my tired face. See, I don't know about you guys but without a drop of Star Bucks, I am coma-like. He is very sweet and first just makes slight tickles at my ears. I pull the Calvin Klein blanket that I wash 2 times a week up over my face. I didn't know that bulldogs were the search and rescue type but this beast will dig and find some opening, as if to say "Mom come on already, I have to poop!" Some times, I try and play dead with him and sometimes I just really wanna freaking sleep in! Does this dog know that I had wine until 3 A.M. last night? Yes! He does cause he was there spilling it over. Anyways, so the soft cuteness last for all of about three minutes and then starts the intense slobber-palooza! First, he goes for my neck as if he is making out with my roughly! (No Pun Intended.) Then he works his way through the blanket into my ears. Nope, not just on the outside of my ear, well into the internal eardrum part. Picture diving into a huge hot tub of warm dribbled drool and getting out to find that your ears are a bit clogged. Yep, that's pretty much it. I can't hear, can't see without my contacts and cant believe that I am up already! People that went to bed at 10 P.M. are the only ones up right now! I reluctantly get up, head to the bathroom, wash my face, contacts in, head back down the hallway towards my bedroom...and where is he? Back in bed, curled donut-like in my deep plum 600 count Egyptian sheets! Let's go for a walk! He jumps down and sprints towards the front door! I look back at my beautiful empty bed, and Ironically think, the only Man that's been in here lately is Calvin Klein.

My Dog Can Beat Up Your Skateboard!

Adventure # 7 Skate This!

Time 3:01 P.M. My face meets the sidewalk and Bru's balls meet the pavement.. Earlier that Day,
Time 2:48 P.M.  We are out on the town, the marina to be exact and we are taking in the fresh air and all the boats, that I will never be able to afford. It's October, beautiful and my day off work. Being single and not relaying on casual plans with God Knows who, I set sights on the afternoon with my boyfriend; Brutus. He's looking good all extra clean, sporting a bright red muscle tank. I however am stupid. I decide to wear white Capri pants. Mistake #1. Salty ocean water, lizards and skateboarding rug rats don't mix. Mistake # 2. My new pants now covered in sludge and my feet just somehow start walking towards the Tiki Bar. Suddenly, our path is interjected by a surfed out style 6 year old. He is rocking all the pads, knee pads, helmet etc. I however am not. He crosses right in front of us; as Brutus jolts right for him.... Well, for the skateboard. I got him interested in the sport at about 4 months old. Mistake #3. Well there we were, an unsupervised terror filled kid, Brutus, Brutus masculine tank top and my now dirt infested "white" Capri pants. See, Brutus loves the wheels more then ever becoming the next Tony Hawk, and starts to chew on the kids neon green colored wheels. Not the kind of shredding I had originally hoped for.  I am know completely in tangled in the leash as my feet are instantly thrown up over my face! Well, Hello Sidewalk! Nice to meet you! I finally get the leash untangled and pull the overexerted Bulldog towards me. Did I mention the bar that I was originally headed for, is all steering at me?  Making it three steps, Brutus does the typical stubborn bully thing and lays out on the pavement. He actually went on strike right there at the marina. If Brutus could speak this is how it would have gone: "Screw U Bitch! I am getting a hold of those wheels and then I will enjoy a nice cold brew! I hearing this, start to drag his Neapolitan colored balls right down the concrete. "Screw U Brutus! I am Single, dirty and on strike! Sir can I have one large Miller Light, one Patron and a extremely large envelope marked: Miami Breeder Return to Sender!!!