Adventure # 32 Going To Daddy's
So, those of you that know me personally, know that Brutus has a Daddy. We were together awhile before Brutus and awhile after. He has been there through surgeries, through late night freak-out phone calls and most importantly Daddy Day Care. Though, we haven't been together in over a year, Daddy still been taking care of my little munchkin; whenever I need him. I am not sure what exactly they do when I am not there but I imagine a lot of rolling around in dirt and going to strip clubs together. Every time I pick him up, he is full of dirt and seems to be hiding something. I recently got the chance to see "what I have been missing" at the old cabana of our lost relationship and well... it looks exactly the same. There is of course the hidden scent of any kind of female there. There are no more cute candles, no more perfectly placed picture frames, my flowers have all died and there is no more me. I spent hours on that house for it to be turned back into a bachelor pad. A perfect place for Brutus and his boys to break beer bottles together and play basketball. And play basketball is what they did. I sat and watch while Daddy dribbles around Brutus with great ease. Brutus sits patiently and waits for his moment to attack! Bru obviously doesn't dribble himself but he does his best at biting the ball and chasing it over the driveway. It is pretty funny to watch. The cement quickly turns into a spittle-filled skating rink and before you know it, the dog looks like he is about to hyperventilate! The game is called and they hit the showers! As "the men" hover over the steaks and talk about Bru's new love down the street, I get time to peek! OK, OK, girls you are lying if you don't do this. I see if the bed looks like there have been two sleeping in it and I also look to see if there are any girlie kind of cocktails in the fridge. You know the kind. Any pink and fizzy little alcohol/big headache kind. I look and surprisingly there is none. There is also the feeling of another girl being there. I have complied a checklist that he has moved on. I will keep in short cause I don't wanna seem too psycho. By the way he does read this blog..OK...
1. The place is picked-up, clean and organized. Most guys only clean up well, when a girl is coming over.
2. There are the obvious new box of condoms in the drawer.
3. There is a mysterious toothbrush and girlie soaps in the bathroom.
4. There is chic food in the fridge. Boy food is everything frozen and quick. aka Bagel Bites and Girl food is yogurt, fat-free salad dressings and skim milk.
5. There are left undies by the bed or an accidental left lipstick.
Accident or not, most women know what they are doing and they are marking their territory's. Just how Brutus hoists his muscular leg onto the nearest tree. That Bitch is Marking her Spot! Though, the other night between steaks and taking Brutus yet for another walk, there was no obvious marked providence of any new girl? As I write it all down now, do I even care? Actually, more and more everyday... I Don't! They say that with time everything gets easier, and I think I have finally had enough time. Just keep any kind of Bitch away from my dog or we are going to have divide the territories and find a new "Daddy!"
Monday, May 30, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Good Company
Adventure #31 Our Nightly Dinner Specials
When is the last time you really sat down and enjoyed a meal? On a daily basis, most people that I am around are eating in their cars, chowing down chunks before they head into work or eating in front of the T.V. I sadly, am the last one. I, single or not have always enjoyed sitting in front of that other boyfriend of mine...the T.V. He is always on time, always up at the wee hours of the night and always ready to give me force fed pleasure. Though for the moment it is fine, I realise that most things today are rushed and unenjoyable. Seriously, when is the last time YOU sat down, exhaled, sip a nice glass of red and bit softly into a steak? O.K. O.K. all the "monogamy daters" out there, I get it. You are all like, "Oh, Oh, Me, Me!" Yeah well great. I'm not talking to you. I am talking about the over rushed couples, kids climbing all over you single Dad's and the famous Not Ever Settling Single Sally's. Yes, You! I realized that being rushed in life or rushed to be with someone else finds you actually at a standstill. You are never able to get anywhere. I love that my dog Brutus enjoys just the simplest of things. He enjoys watching lizards from his window, he loves the soft curve of my leg but he also really, really, enjoys his plain, dry, dog food. That food is like us loving Ramen Noodles. Or perhaps Spam. In college it was consider routine but today in our "somethings," lets step it up and order a nice ass steak tonight! I want to sit down with the most embarrassing bib you have ever seen and cut into that juicy, mouthwatering sizzler! I wanna have my mouth drip and ooze out of each crevasse that there is. Though, if this were an actual fantasy, I guess I wouldn't want to have my mouth dripping with steak juice... Right? There would probably be a pretty cute male suitor sitting in front of me and saying, "get this crazy glutton pig away from me." So that is the question for today. The Steak or the suitor? If I had to go with my gut, I honestly would pick the steak. Yeah, Yeah, not for life but for now. This goes out to all my really close friends, it's time to stop worrying about me. I will be fine, fed and happy that I can have my steak and eat it too. For tonight I included a video for all you to enjoy! My Boyfriend Brutus sits patiently and waits for one of the smallest things in life! If it happens to be Dry Dog food or the nearest T-Bone shop, it's all good. Now, if I could just get him to pick up the check!
P.S. Sorry it is on it's side. Most things around here are upside down anyways.
When is the last time you really sat down and enjoyed a meal? On a daily basis, most people that I am around are eating in their cars, chowing down chunks before they head into work or eating in front of the T.V. I sadly, am the last one. I, single or not have always enjoyed sitting in front of that other boyfriend of mine...the T.V. He is always on time, always up at the wee hours of the night and always ready to give me force fed pleasure. Though for the moment it is fine, I realise that most things today are rushed and unenjoyable. Seriously, when is the last time YOU sat down, exhaled, sip a nice glass of red and bit softly into a steak? O.K. O.K. all the "monogamy daters" out there, I get it. You are all like, "Oh, Oh, Me, Me!" Yeah well great. I'm not talking to you. I am talking about the over rushed couples, kids climbing all over you single Dad's and the famous Not Ever Settling Single Sally's. Yes, You! I realized that being rushed in life or rushed to be with someone else finds you actually at a standstill. You are never able to get anywhere. I love that my dog Brutus enjoys just the simplest of things. He enjoys watching lizards from his window, he loves the soft curve of my leg but he also really, really, enjoys his plain, dry, dog food. That food is like us loving Ramen Noodles. Or perhaps Spam. In college it was consider routine but today in our "somethings," lets step it up and order a nice ass steak tonight! I want to sit down with the most embarrassing bib you have ever seen and cut into that juicy, mouthwatering sizzler! I wanna have my mouth drip and ooze out of each crevasse that there is. Though, if this were an actual fantasy, I guess I wouldn't want to have my mouth dripping with steak juice... Right? There would probably be a pretty cute male suitor sitting in front of me and saying, "get this crazy glutton pig away from me." So that is the question for today. The Steak or the suitor? If I had to go with my gut, I honestly would pick the steak. Yeah, Yeah, not for life but for now. This goes out to all my really close friends, it's time to stop worrying about me. I will be fine, fed and happy that I can have my steak and eat it too. For tonight I included a video for all you to enjoy! My Boyfriend Brutus sits patiently and waits for one of the smallest things in life! If it happens to be Dry Dog food or the nearest T-Bone shop, it's all good. Now, if I could just get him to pick up the check!
P.S. Sorry it is on it's side. Most things around here are upside down anyways.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Hot In The City!
Adventure #30 When You See The Look In Her Eyes Tonight!
On our walks over the last few days, we have been getting more honks then usual. Maybe it is because I have decided to not just roll out of bed in my P.J.'s and walk him anymore....maybe it is because Bru is looking extra manly and extra muscular. He will be two in September, holy crap we have been through a lot. He is about full grown now and his waist has gotten smaller. His chest and shoulders have quickly turned into a handsome young man. We have been making frequent stops at this little cute Key West Style house down the street. On our walks, no one seems to be home. There are no noises coming from the house. Though oddly enough, Bru sits and sets up a protest every single time we pass this place. What's the deal? Quad Ice Vente in hand I am ready to rocket home but he sits still. He wont budge, he wont wavier, his stubborn ass sits and pants in the Florida Heat at this particular Driveway. So, tonight I finally discovered the answer. We made our way around the bend and towards what will soon be known as "Loverville." Yep the informative owner was outside, steaks on the grille sizzilin', so I first thought it might have been Bru's love of red meat... well kinda. His love of Red Meat came in a 12 pound Bichon Frise form. Now, if you don't know what these little bitches look like see my pics to the side. If you don't understand my frustration, I am mother and my dog is acting like a dog. Of Course he pics the French Kind. Of course he picks the petite miss thing from down the street that is pristine, snobby and too good for my Brutus. I pictured my dog humping another Bulldog. The bulldog that can skateboard, doesn't wear frilly pink dresses and listens too music other then Taylor Swift. YUUUUUUKKK! O.K. a little off track. Anyways, the reason why Brutus has been making gentlemanly callings at this residence is because she is in heat. Ah..... Great. She lives 5 doors down. He is horny as hell and with his swollen balls, there is no more walking in the neighborhood. Next thing you know he will be gelling his hair and wearing tight polo shirts. Next thing you know he will be headed to Gold's Gym grinning and posing in front of the perfect, shiny mirrors. The only mirror he needs to be looking at is the one on my face that says: ON llEH ... For the slow ones in the group, on lleh held up in a mirror spells: HEll NO! NO CHANCE. WE ARE OUT! I don't care if "you are hot in the city," I don't care if, "she is stranger on a hot summer night!" Thanks Billy for the lyrics. Ironically I on the other paw, have been in heat for over a year now. It seems the "dogs" in this town apparently don't take walks in my neighborhood.
On our walks over the last few days, we have been getting more honks then usual. Maybe it is because I have decided to not just roll out of bed in my P.J.'s and walk him anymore....maybe it is because Bru is looking extra manly and extra muscular. He will be two in September, holy crap we have been through a lot. He is about full grown now and his waist has gotten smaller. His chest and shoulders have quickly turned into a handsome young man. We have been making frequent stops at this little cute Key West Style house down the street. On our walks, no one seems to be home. There are no noises coming from the house. Though oddly enough, Bru sits and sets up a protest every single time we pass this place. What's the deal? Quad Ice Vente in hand I am ready to rocket home but he sits still. He wont budge, he wont wavier, his stubborn ass sits and pants in the Florida Heat at this particular Driveway. So, tonight I finally discovered the answer. We made our way around the bend and towards what will soon be known as "Loverville." Yep the informative owner was outside, steaks on the grille sizzilin', so I first thought it might have been Bru's love of red meat... well kinda. His love of Red Meat came in a 12 pound Bichon Frise form. Now, if you don't know what these little bitches look like see my pics to the side. If you don't understand my frustration, I am mother and my dog is acting like a dog. Of Course he pics the French Kind. Of course he picks the petite miss thing from down the street that is pristine, snobby and too good for my Brutus. I pictured my dog humping another Bulldog. The bulldog that can skateboard, doesn't wear frilly pink dresses and listens too music other then Taylor Swift. YUUUUUUKKK! O.K. a little off track. Anyways, the reason why Brutus has been making gentlemanly callings at this residence is because she is in heat. Ah..... Great. She lives 5 doors down. He is horny as hell and with his swollen balls, there is no more walking in the neighborhood. Next thing you know he will be gelling his hair and wearing tight polo shirts. Next thing you know he will be headed to Gold's Gym grinning and posing in front of the perfect, shiny mirrors. The only mirror he needs to be looking at is the one on my face that says: ON llEH ... For the slow ones in the group, on lleh held up in a mirror spells: HEll NO! NO CHANCE. WE ARE OUT! I don't care if "you are hot in the city," I don't care if, "she is stranger on a hot summer night!" Thanks Billy for the lyrics. Ironically I on the other paw, have been in heat for over a year now. It seems the "dogs" in this town apparently don't take walks in my neighborhood.
Pick Up Your Stuff!
Adventure #29 Time For Bed.
I don't have kids. It will probably be awhile before I do.. but I do have my Brutus. Brutus has a lot of stuff. And on this particular night, I taught him to bring his skateboard inside before bed. Don't ask me how I did it and certainly don't ask me why, he listened. But to show all you skeptics out there just how awesome my "kid" for now is: Here Goes... Good Night Everyone... and remember you might have a Mom out there somewhere tonight but it's your job to pick up all your crap!
Sunday, May 15, 2011
No Vacancy!
Adventure # 28 Crazy For You!
What do most people do before they have a house guest come over?? Yep, u guessed it. They hide stuff and they clean. In my case, I clean a lot. I don't like things untidy or not exceptionally clean but when having a house guest over; I clean before like CRAZY! At one point on wed. just before my house guest arrived, I washed and rewashed my hard wood floors. After 5 buckets of black and hair filled dirty water, I was ready for my girl to enter my "woman's den" as my friend poo bear said to me one night. My girl was in town and with a fun-filled weekend plan, she was packed and ready for fun. Brutus on the other hand was ready for "new blood!" New smells, new lotions, new chica! My dog is horny. My dog is CRAZY! The one thing bad about the start of the night was: I had to work, I had to make money, she had to let herself in. She hasn't seen Brutus in a year and with the turn of the key, he was ready to jump, claw and make out with her. I did warn her from the start of the night that my dog loves wheels. As spoken before, his attempt at skateboarding proved his complete O.C.D complex for wheels. Friday night fight? Shanna VS. Brutus. Brutus Vs. The Suitcase. At the start of the bell, Brutus parachutes across the room and springs on Shanna's suitcase. Via text I discover that my house guest is instantly annoyed, I discover my house guest is googling the nearest "Ho Jo!" If you are not familiar with the name "Ho Jo," it is a term best to describe the nearest and cheapest classy Howard Johnson Motel. My "den" is no Ho Jo. I have 600 count new Calvin Klein sheets and matching Green Gatorade in the fridge. This place comes with 1000 channels via FiOS, Mac computers, a drop top Jeep and the best BFF ever. This bitch isn't going no where. After many almost raped incidents in the bathroom, she was on her way to meet me, she was on her way to take some shots! The one thing good about going to work is enjoying the great Friends that do come up and see me. It makes the night go faster and it never hurts the tip jar! Though, the one that should have been taking tips that night, was my girl Shanna. "Shanna put the baby crate up so he will not get into the the bedroom and chew up your stuff!! Shanna, CREATE A "SAFE ZONE" BARRIER BETWEEN YOU AND BRUTUS." says the Mother of Brutus. If you have never been to my house, I understand (my readers in China) are the only ones excused; you think that I am probably making up the idea, that I have to actually create physical barriers between my dog and other people. Well, apparently the barriers within my confines are not safe. The $ 19 Walmart plastic one I have makes my dog laugh. My girl placed this "safe zone" shield between her and the beast and he I was told that my dog literally leapfrogs over it with no care. There is too much to say, so I will sum it up with my famous list of incidents. Baby crate proves to be incredibly useless, friends laptop case with laptop inside turns into a tug-of-war challenge, friends suitcase handle chewed off, hole the size of his massive balls created in suitcase, garbage can gets pillaged through, $ 20 St. Armand's dog toy for friends own mutt gets abducted, BFF gets raped and are kissing, and gooey drool is unwanted, bruises from attack calculated, slobber stains on new dress are left for evidential support and last minute attack results in best friend regretting not sleeping in some: you-know-what-covered stain sheets in the $ 49.95 dollar a night shack down the street. Its enough to make you go Crazy and I am amazed that I haven't yet! The song from the weekend the song to sum it all up! Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F58TfYHqLak
What do most people do before they have a house guest come over?? Yep, u guessed it. They hide stuff and they clean. In my case, I clean a lot. I don't like things untidy or not exceptionally clean but when having a house guest over; I clean before like CRAZY! At one point on wed. just before my house guest arrived, I washed and rewashed my hard wood floors. After 5 buckets of black and hair filled dirty water, I was ready for my girl to enter my "woman's den" as my friend poo bear said to me one night. My girl was in town and with a fun-filled weekend plan, she was packed and ready for fun. Brutus on the other hand was ready for "new blood!" New smells, new lotions, new chica! My dog is horny. My dog is CRAZY! The one thing bad about the start of the night was: I had to work, I had to make money, she had to let herself in. She hasn't seen Brutus in a year and with the turn of the key, he was ready to jump, claw and make out with her. I did warn her from the start of the night that my dog loves wheels. As spoken before, his attempt at skateboarding proved his complete O.C.D complex for wheels. Friday night fight? Shanna VS. Brutus. Brutus Vs. The Suitcase. At the start of the bell, Brutus parachutes across the room and springs on Shanna's suitcase. Via text I discover that my house guest is instantly annoyed, I discover my house guest is googling the nearest "Ho Jo!" If you are not familiar with the name "Ho Jo," it is a term best to describe the nearest and cheapest classy Howard Johnson Motel. My "den" is no Ho Jo. I have 600 count new Calvin Klein sheets and matching Green Gatorade in the fridge. This place comes with 1000 channels via FiOS, Mac computers, a drop top Jeep and the best BFF ever. This bitch isn't going no where. After many almost raped incidents in the bathroom, she was on her way to meet me, she was on her way to take some shots! The one thing good about going to work is enjoying the great Friends that do come up and see me. It makes the night go faster and it never hurts the tip jar! Though, the one that should have been taking tips that night, was my girl Shanna. "Shanna put the baby crate up so he will not get into the the bedroom and chew up your stuff!! Shanna, CREATE A "SAFE ZONE" BARRIER BETWEEN YOU AND BRUTUS." says the Mother of Brutus. If you have never been to my house, I understand (my readers in China) are the only ones excused; you think that I am probably making up the idea, that I have to actually create physical barriers between my dog and other people. Well, apparently the barriers within my confines are not safe. The $ 19 Walmart plastic one I have makes my dog laugh. My girl placed this "safe zone" shield between her and the beast and he I was told that my dog literally leapfrogs over it with no care. There is too much to say, so I will sum it up with my famous list of incidents. Baby crate proves to be incredibly useless, friends laptop case with laptop inside turns into a tug-of-war challenge, friends suitcase handle chewed off, hole the size of his massive balls created in suitcase, garbage can gets pillaged through, $ 20 St. Armand's dog toy for friends own mutt gets abducted, BFF gets raped and are kissing, and gooey drool is unwanted, bruises from attack calculated, slobber stains on new dress are left for evidential support and last minute attack results in best friend regretting not sleeping in some: you-know-what-covered stain sheets in the $ 49.95 dollar a night shack down the street. Its enough to make you go Crazy and I am amazed that I haven't yet! The song from the weekend the song to sum it all up! Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F58TfYHqLak
Monday, May 9, 2011
La La La La....
Adventure # 27 Writers Block
OK so I am drinking some wine, had a bad day and instead of boring you with stupid antics, I thought this was better. For today only, writers block has set in. Maybe it's because I am thinking about boys, the Cubbies or my next barely there paycheck but here goes! Brutus VS. The Chair! Try opening a new window and playing this at the same time. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRvGZffXhfk It really helps you realize that my mind is elsewhere tonight! Night All- Kisses
OK so I am drinking some wine, had a bad day and instead of boring you with stupid antics, I thought this was better. For today only, writers block has set in. Maybe it's because I am thinking about boys, the Cubbies or my next barely there paycheck but here goes! Brutus VS. The Chair! Try opening a new window and playing this at the same time. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRvGZffXhfk It really helps you realize that my mind is elsewhere tonight! Night All- Kisses
Friday, May 6, 2011
One Pissed Off Easter Bunny!
Adventure #26 Sailing Away In Drool Money!
If you don't already know you "readers," friends and family out there... I make all Natural Dog Treats. The reason why I first started was mainly because I was worried about my dog getting fat. Nope, not the kind of fat that barely bulges over his new spring Tee. Or the kind that you have to loose before bikini season. It was the kind of fat that will eventually cause health problems and even sadly death in Bulldogs. Before making my ridiculous purchase of Brutus, I loved the really, really Fat Ones! You know the kind that you can't tell where his colossal head starts and begins. After reading many articles about the problems of weight gain, I decided to start researching low-fat, no sodium, all natural food. He loved all the experiments and with just a few ingredients that are forbidden in dogs, I was off! Brutus will be two years old in August, and let's just say my dog looks good. His coat is shiny, his waist is tiny, (unlike mine), and his face.. well is very handsome. This brings you right up to Brutus Bites. The Name of my small, local company, the name that hopefully one day will be locally well-known. I am not driven by the money or the look at me kind of stuff, I actually really enjoy making them. Christmas was crazy! A few orders in between. But Easter...well.. Easter was one for the books!
I decided instead of making people place flavor orders, I would help myself out and make just three kinds. Banana Dreams, Sushi for My poochee and Butterfly Kisses! OK, so I am sitting there with 37 orders that will not just have to be baked but also decorated and stuffed into tiny plastic eggs. I also had to decorate the Easter Baskets (to my expectations) and fill Easter Bunny Plastic Bags. I will show a few pictures of my final products but lets just say the photos don't do the detail... justice. Here is a rundown of the math that it took for 37 orders in 12 hours to go out! 37 orders x 13 cookees = 481 Cookees. + one extremely large orders of 60 Cookees = 541 cookees. + 1 Kitchen + 1 slimy, drool-filled dog + 1 mop + not enough Miller Light in the World + 1 oven + 2 Racks = Holy Crap What Did I get My self into? If I was estimate between 3 batches that were put into the oven, I had to mop the floor underneath me at least one time. Why? You Ask? Well, if you think that I am trying to sell my product by telling you my dog drools.....a lot. You are Crazy! He knows what I am up too. He knows the smells, he knows they are made for him and he knows they are called Brutus Bites!! So I am rushing around with flour on my face, peanut butter in my hair and a Olympic Style Swimming Pool of Drool under my flops and I am about to loose it! After washing the floor too many times to mention and going through a whole a 42 count baby wipe container for his face... we were done! Thank you to all that ordered and thank you to all my "close friends" that didn't. I will be sure when I make it big and my stuff is on every Pet Smart Shelf In the Western Hemisphere, I will send you a post card! Brutus Dollars = 164 foot traditional plank wooden frame sailboat! Have fun on dry land.. SUCKERS!
If you don't already know you "readers," friends and family out there... I make all Natural Dog Treats. The reason why I first started was mainly because I was worried about my dog getting fat. Nope, not the kind of fat that barely bulges over his new spring Tee. Or the kind that you have to loose before bikini season. It was the kind of fat that will eventually cause health problems and even sadly death in Bulldogs. Before making my ridiculous purchase of Brutus, I loved the really, really Fat Ones! You know the kind that you can't tell where his colossal head starts and begins. After reading many articles about the problems of weight gain, I decided to start researching low-fat, no sodium, all natural food. He loved all the experiments and with just a few ingredients that are forbidden in dogs, I was off! Brutus will be two years old in August, and let's just say my dog looks good. His coat is shiny, his waist is tiny, (unlike mine), and his face.. well is very handsome. This brings you right up to Brutus Bites. The Name of my small, local company, the name that hopefully one day will be locally well-known. I am not driven by the money or the look at me kind of stuff, I actually really enjoy making them. Christmas was crazy! A few orders in between. But Easter...well.. Easter was one for the books!
I decided instead of making people place flavor orders, I would help myself out and make just three kinds. Banana Dreams, Sushi for My poochee and Butterfly Kisses! OK, so I am sitting there with 37 orders that will not just have to be baked but also decorated and stuffed into tiny plastic eggs. I also had to decorate the Easter Baskets (to my expectations) and fill Easter Bunny Plastic Bags. I will show a few pictures of my final products but lets just say the photos don't do the detail... justice. Here is a rundown of the math that it took for 37 orders in 12 hours to go out! 37 orders x 13 cookees = 481 Cookees. + one extremely large orders of 60 Cookees = 541 cookees. + 1 Kitchen + 1 slimy, drool-filled dog + 1 mop + not enough Miller Light in the World + 1 oven + 2 Racks = Holy Crap What Did I get My self into? If I was estimate between 3 batches that were put into the oven, I had to mop the floor underneath me at least one time. Why? You Ask? Well, if you think that I am trying to sell my product by telling you my dog drools.....a lot. You are Crazy! He knows what I am up too. He knows the smells, he knows they are made for him and he knows they are called Brutus Bites!! So I am rushing around with flour on my face, peanut butter in my hair and a Olympic Style Swimming Pool of Drool under my flops and I am about to loose it! After washing the floor too many times to mention and going through a whole a 42 count baby wipe container for his face... we were done! Thank you to all that ordered and thank you to all my "close friends" that didn't. I will be sure when I make it big and my stuff is on every Pet Smart Shelf In the Western Hemisphere, I will send you a post card! Brutus Dollars = 164 foot traditional plank wooden frame sailboat! Have fun on dry land.. SUCKERS!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Just Taking a Neighborly Peak!
Adventure #25 Boobie Poppin' and Shorts Short Walkin'
I don't know about all my girl readers out there but when I am at home, I am strictly casual. After work, I cannot wait to strip off my work clothes and get into a mis-matched Tank and Shorts. Most pictures that I have of me at home in my old place with the boys, I am wearing Over-sized T-shirts and Girl style board shorts. There is probably not one picture of me from back in the day, that I am wearing something matching or "oh' come on and get me outfit at home!" Well, nothing has changed. I cannot stand having any kind of tight fitting tees or jeans on while sitting on the couch, catching up on a recent reality show. Speaking of Reality shows, the one show that I am guilty of watching is: The Real Housewives Series. Yes, I realize that it isn't really "real!" Though, the part that I have been honing on lately that really, really, isn't real is the way these woman dress at home. Come On! Money or not, I am pretty sure that I would prance around my Upper East Side apartment in adorned over-sized Jewels and perfectly beaded over-colorful-outfits! I mean who the Hell dresses like that at home? Better yet, who the Hell is comfortable in that stuff? I am siting there sipping my cheap chardonnay ready to throw it at the screen, if they mention one more of their over the top charity events! One of there obnoxious bustiers outfits; would pay the way for five children to eat for a year. LAME!
Well, I guess you are wondering what all this has to with Brutus? Well, one thing that I didn't mention yet was along with being casual at home, I am great neighbor. Along with picking up Brutus's enormous sized steamers, I am also aware of things outside my doorsteps. On this particular Saturday, nothing was different. Brutus was in his window squirrel watching and I was actually sadly to say, getting ready to go to a friends funeral. An already bad day in itself, I was rushing around to get ready and plan the day ahead. The only thing that I had on was: a small wife-beater, (see urban dictionary, old people) and a very small pair of hot pink short shorts. Yep, that's it. My girlfriend Jess was on the phone within minutes after what was just about to happen and can verify the amount of embarrassment, I was about to endure. Bru started barking and growling at this little dog in my driveway. A Jack Russell to be exact. A cute Frasier like dog that looked as if it was really lost. I sat there in the window for a bit but couldn't resist the desperate face of the lost pup. I carefully pushed Brutus aside and went out my front door. "Hey Little Guy!" I was cautious but him came right up to me. As soon as I was about to write the phone number from his Dior necklace, (no joke, I do live in Sarasota.) My bowling ball style of a dog comes barreling through my front door and racing for him. This is a jack Russell people, he is not a pile of lazy meat. AND THEY WERE OFF! Down my street crossing over Osprey Ave. And down three blocks. I start running after them screaming Brutus's name. The little shit actually stops, looks back at me and keeps going. Every thought of our training is running through my mind. I don't have a whistle, I don't have my trainer, I DONT HAVE ANY PANTIES ON! NOT TO MENTION A AM BRA-LESS!!!! NO JOKE! What is going on? It sounds funny now but during my chase I literally thought, I was going to see my dog get smashed right is front of me. They are now zig-zagging across the street and all the cars start to slow down. Thankfully, there is a little mexican lawn guy about a block in front of them. I am now yelling, "Make them stop. Stop them!!!! Stop looking at my bra-less tank and stop them!!" I quickly realize I don't know how to say "STOP!" in spanish, I realize at any point my boob could pop out, the right one, right in front of all these cars!! The dogs going whizzing right passed my little, No SPEAKA THE ENGLISH fellow and I am in screwed. I am still running in no shoes and no self-esteem, when Jack speeds up and Brutus Gives up. AHHH Thank God, My dog is a bulldog, Thank God he has no stamina. I get to him quickly and beat his butt right in front of all those cars. I then walk 7 blocks back to my house, Brutus, my shorts and tank. I am still braless bending over holding onto his collar because obviously didn't have time to grab a leash. I just hope my neighbors are as caring as me, I only hope they all wear bras.
I don't know about all my girl readers out there but when I am at home, I am strictly casual. After work, I cannot wait to strip off my work clothes and get into a mis-matched Tank and Shorts. Most pictures that I have of me at home in my old place with the boys, I am wearing Over-sized T-shirts and Girl style board shorts. There is probably not one picture of me from back in the day, that I am wearing something matching or "oh' come on and get me outfit at home!" Well, nothing has changed. I cannot stand having any kind of tight fitting tees or jeans on while sitting on the couch, catching up on a recent reality show. Speaking of Reality shows, the one show that I am guilty of watching is: The Real Housewives Series. Yes, I realize that it isn't really "real!" Though, the part that I have been honing on lately that really, really, isn't real is the way these woman dress at home. Come On! Money or not, I am pretty sure that I would prance around my Upper East Side apartment in adorned over-sized Jewels and perfectly beaded over-colorful-outfits! I mean who the Hell dresses like that at home? Better yet, who the Hell is comfortable in that stuff? I am siting there sipping my cheap chardonnay ready to throw it at the screen, if they mention one more of their over the top charity events! One of there obnoxious bustiers outfits; would pay the way for five children to eat for a year. LAME!
Well, I guess you are wondering what all this has to with Brutus? Well, one thing that I didn't mention yet was along with being casual at home, I am great neighbor. Along with picking up Brutus's enormous sized steamers, I am also aware of things outside my doorsteps. On this particular Saturday, nothing was different. Brutus was in his window squirrel watching and I was actually sadly to say, getting ready to go to a friends funeral. An already bad day in itself, I was rushing around to get ready and plan the day ahead. The only thing that I had on was: a small wife-beater, (see urban dictionary, old people) and a very small pair of hot pink short shorts. Yep, that's it. My girlfriend Jess was on the phone within minutes after what was just about to happen and can verify the amount of embarrassment, I was about to endure. Bru started barking and growling at this little dog in my driveway. A Jack Russell to be exact. A cute Frasier like dog that looked as if it was really lost. I sat there in the window for a bit but couldn't resist the desperate face of the lost pup. I carefully pushed Brutus aside and went out my front door. "Hey Little Guy!" I was cautious but him came right up to me. As soon as I was about to write the phone number from his Dior necklace, (no joke, I do live in Sarasota.) My bowling ball style of a dog comes barreling through my front door and racing for him. This is a jack Russell people, he is not a pile of lazy meat. AND THEY WERE OFF! Down my street crossing over Osprey Ave. And down three blocks. I start running after them screaming Brutus's name. The little shit actually stops, looks back at me and keeps going. Every thought of our training is running through my mind. I don't have a whistle, I don't have my trainer, I DONT HAVE ANY PANTIES ON! NOT TO MENTION A AM BRA-LESS!!!! NO JOKE! What is going on? It sounds funny now but during my chase I literally thought, I was going to see my dog get smashed right is front of me. They are now zig-zagging across the street and all the cars start to slow down. Thankfully, there is a little mexican lawn guy about a block in front of them. I am now yelling, "Make them stop. Stop them!!!! Stop looking at my bra-less tank and stop them!!" I quickly realize I don't know how to say "STOP!" in spanish, I realize at any point my boob could pop out, the right one, right in front of all these cars!! The dogs going whizzing right passed my little, No SPEAKA THE ENGLISH fellow and I am in screwed. I am still running in no shoes and no self-esteem, when Jack speeds up and Brutus Gives up. AHHH Thank God, My dog is a bulldog, Thank God he has no stamina. I get to him quickly and beat his butt right in front of all those cars. I then walk 7 blocks back to my house, Brutus, my shorts and tank. I am still braless bending over holding onto his collar because obviously didn't have time to grab a leash. I just hope my neighbors are as caring as me, I only hope they all wear bras.
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