The Rat Strikes Again!

Adventure #54 Naughty, Naughty Mommy...

The Holidays, tons of work, vacation and the 1500 Brutus Bite Cookees I made for the holidays equals NO BLOG! I had a bunch of extra stuff going on and with that I have been absent from my writing endeavours. Since we last "talked" I traveled to Minnesota to see my tiny family. I have also been invited to be a bridesmaid in a girlfriend's wedding! Brutus has also been to a new vet! His name is Dr. Koch and he is amazing! He specializes in Bulldog Breeds and owns 11

Brachycephalic Dogs

 including 4 English Bullies! According to Dr. Koch... Brutus is at a "Perfect Adult A.K.C.  English Standard weight!" Thanks to Mommy's walks and the daily measurement of his food...we are at a perfect weight! Apparently the "American Standard" is ten pounds over his weight! Big shock! Americans are fatter and thicker then our neighbors across the pond! Which brings me to my second point! I too am on a complete weight loss and get fit plan! Like I said earlier I am in a wedding in May and frankly, being a single bridesmaid... I think it's time to look fabulous! With that, I have joined boot camp and also have been even more active with Brutus. The walks have gotten longer and our time spend together more enjoyable!

Enough of the Catch-Up! On to the Rat!

I had a rare last Saturday off and I had decided to be a good girl and go home early from a "mid-town might get crazy night!" I zoomed home to my little meat head sitting in the window, strolled down the block with a nightcap in tote and savored up the rest of my day off! I nestled with cuddle bug and finished watching "A Nightmare on Elm Street," and drifted off into semi wine coma and toasty tranquility! I failed to mention that it has been colder in Florida and I actually had to turn the heat on! At a nice 70 degrees and climbing, I welcomed another four legged friend into my home. Perhaps he had friends with him but I will pray he was single and lonely.. and perhaps wanted a late-night snack?? Yep That's It!! Anyhow... My mighty dog woke me up as usual to a Firework sound coming from down the hall! I thought, it might had been the neighbors again shooting of left over fireworks from New Years Eve! However, sneaking down the hallway next to my guard dog, I realised the sound was a lot more local! Apparently, I had a Nightmare on Prospect Street! Bang, Bang...BooM BooM! Holy Crap..This thing is actually in my Oven!!!!!!!! See, I had just taken my burners off and was replacing the drip pans under them. I am assuming that this little bugger worked his way down and and now was stuck somewhere between the broiler and somewhere a little too close to home! My Brutus set up shop directly in front of the oven, he had set up his post and with every snarl and rustle this dog was not moving! I have no idea how big this thing really is. I also really wanna make sure he doesn't make off with my Chardonnay, that I am going to pound to fall asleep tonight! I begin to make the two A.M. phone calls. Most of my friends are still out or unreliable. I find two traps in my storage closet and actually begin to google: How to Set a Rat Trap! I found the funniest video in my exploration of the Internet during pure torture! I have linked it below for all your enjoyment! In conclusion, I am definitely a total girl! We hunkered down two umbrellas fully opened in front of my bedroom doors. Seals on the oven top! Door wedge shut with very nice vintage chair, 3 blankets wedged tightly under door and wine, water for dog and 4 blankets on bed, we slip back into a coma and wonder why the Hell I attract so many scary looking creatures?

How to set up a mouse trap

See! It's Not My Fault!

Adventure #53 Mommy Started It!

They say that you learn most of your traits when you are little. Well, I am kicking myself in the ass, when I discovered this video in my video archive. This is the very first day I had him. The very first day he had many questions and discoveries. The very first day, I taught him how to be a BRUT!
See Below. See Me Crying. Other Pup Pictured was "Daddy's" dog Thumper. 17 years old. May she rest in peace...

No Balls, No Listen!

Adventure # 52  "I Love My Uncle James!"

Even if you are a new reader or an avid one you have heard me complain that my dog is crazy. His favorite pastime is waiting for the arrival of me to come home. Its the same itunes song on repeat everyday. The tune goes something like this: "Jeep roars up to the front, I hear the car door shut, then the unlock of door as I run down the floor! I await for my Mommy, I can't wait for a slobby! Oh Oh Kiss Me! Feed Me! Ooh Please let me Hump Thee!" Yep, that's it and for some reason last Sunday, Uncle James was playing a different tune! I was at work another long day and I asked my friend James to take out the Slobber Monster! he thankfully obliged and made his way down Osprey Ave. I got kinda busy at work and as soon as I saw Mr. Uncle James walk in the door, I was ready for a story! How many poop piles did he leave this time? What did he tear up and eat of mine? How messy is my freshly cleaned house? Well, James walked in with a shit eating grin on his face... oh crap here we go! Apparently, Mr. Brutus Beefcake was a perfect little couch potato like angel! Directly spoken from James, "I didn't even know that was the same dog. I anticipated being pounced on and ravaged and the little meatball just casually walked out of the bedroom. No Barks, No Excitement. No Crazy!" He then put his leash on and took a casual stroll down the block. No pulling. No aggressiveness. Pee. Pee. No Poop. WHATTTTT??????  Are u freaking kidding me? Of course, I didn't want the little Tanker Truck giving my friend a hard time but come on! Just months before, James had broken his arm and Brutus mistakenly took his cast for a raw hide bone. I don't know what to think? Should I be happy? Should I now realize this dog is only crazy when I'm around? Between the fun-loving stories from Daddy and now the little prince he is for Uncle James, I am thinking about asking for sitters more often!

Promo Reel

Adventure #51 Tweet This!

Post Party

Adventure #50!!! The Post It Always Sticks Twice!

A Little Reminder... Clean as you Go! I am single we all know that. I live with a messy bulldog. He is single also. Even being by ourselves, we sure do have a messy house. Its old but charming and hard to keep. After every beach day, dog park excursion and drunken bar run, we both somehow end up bringing the junk back with us. Empty cups, dirt, sand, clothes strewn about the living room. Who would wanna ever visit? Last week, I had a scary movie party for Halloween and the place post morning looked like a fraternity bomb of drunks and lost souls roamed my halls. There was a lovely popcorn fight, followed by a hurricane of broken glass. There was also a mysterious concoction of plastic eyeballs, candy corn, vodka soaked raspberries and leftover hobo stew that engulfed my 1960 kitchen drain. I grew up with no dishwasher and sadly have never graduated to a state of the art kitchen disposal. I am half drunk and half hungover as me and the beast tackle what is left of our home. He is on popcorn duty and his sniff and chomp tactic, is doing surprisingly well. I am on beer stain and stink removal followed by an exciting act of De-cob webbing and spider confetti hunt. There was also the lovely in my, I absolutely love Halloween and Scary Movie Adrenaline Rush of "LETS SPLATTER THE ENTIRE BATHROOM SHOWER WITH FAKE CRUSTED ON BLOOD AND CLOG THE DRAIN WITH EVEN MORE BLOOD THAT TAKES OVER MY LIFE AND FORCES ME TO SHOWER FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS WITH ALFRED HITCHCOCK HIMSELF!!!" What was I thinking???? It's November 8th and I am still cleaning. I don't blame anyone but me. I hope everyone had a good time. I am just hoping that Bru and I get this old place picked up before Thanksgiving.  Tasks for Today...   #1 Buy Post Its  #2 Write on Post Its  #3 Buy Live Turkey for Thanksgiving #4 Learn How To Slay Turkey Without  Making a Mess!

                                                                     

http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi607099161/

Agent 0 Strikes Again!

Adventure #49 Forever is Never  Long Enough...

My Hero

Adventure #48 Woken up to a Horrific Nightmare!

A lot of people in and out of Brutus's life have criticized him as a drooling, dumb dog. He doesn't listen. He doesn't mind me. He is not trained. Too all those people, I would like to say HA! Last Tuesday night, well Wednesday morning about 2:40 A.M. I was abruptly awoken by the loudest and scariest bark! I sat up and thought that couldn't be my dog? I barely opened my eyes and realized the lazy always conked out guy next to me, wasn't. I then tip-toed towards my living room and there he was: My 65-pound English bulldog, bowed up and barking like a Rottweiler! His chest high to the ceiling and his bark unrecognizable! With Halloween right around the corner, my love for scary movies had overspilled into an all-day, all-night marathon of Freddy, Michael and Jason. With my blood pumping like crazy, I peered through my blinds on my one level Florida Style, Non-Alarm house and saw one large man pillaging through my Jeep, just four steps from my front door!

      Those of you that have never been scared or those of you that are males particularly, do not understand my anxiety and fright! I hit the ground and made my way back to my cell phone and immediately dialed 911! Operator, "What's your emergency?" I begin to tell her about one man that was just steps away from my (by the way opened window) when I looked through the blinds again and realized that there was a strange sedan with there lights off and another man in the driver seat! I do the math in my head. Me, single + dog, crazy + 2 men breaking in my house - me, no gun, no alarm = no nothing. Every possibility went through my head as the operator asked: "what did the people look like?" At this point, I was too scared to look again as I heard the blaring cop car chasing down my street. According to the newspaper, from the time of my call and when the officer arrived at my door, was exactly one minute. Though I would have disagreed, it felt a Hell of a lot longer! The next ten minutes was a blur. One officer asking questions. Brutus trying to break through the front door. Three squad cars racing down Osprey Ave. towards the criminal's crappy beater. Me not being able to identify the make and model of the car? Then all of a sudden, my officer gets a call takes of running and tells me to sit by myself on the porch! I go in the house grab Bru and a sweater and sit of my front porch... Terrified!  I call "Daddy" and begin trying to recap the last few minutes of chaos!  Then, here comes the criminals whizzing back down my street and four squad cars! Lights and sirens like crazy! It takes everything for me to hold Brutus back! In the end it turns out; One criminal takes off running, gets tasered and gets arrested. Many bags of cocaine were thrown from the driver who later gets in a horrific car crash with a light pole and another officer. They both are in jail and one cop was injured. I haven't slept well this last week and Bru is back in his spot in the window!  Don't Mess. Don't Hate. He's On The Watch!

Intruders of the Itchy Kind

Adventure #47 Revival

It's a new day and new attitude and a new computer! My Mac is finally back!  I sit here as the fall weather is back as well, I am thinking about about the many happenings that have taken place in our time lost. My meatball had a birthday, he is officially two now. I have lost a few pounds. About four hundred to be exact of useless friends that were weighing me down. Bru however has gained weight and gained about 100,000 fleas. If you started to scratch welcome to my world. Itch, itch. Scratch on my face, then on my knee.. oops a tickle at my neck. Ahh. I am full of itches. I have tried everything on the shelf. Scrubs, lotions, sprays, potions, powders, bombs and flea collars. He has had bathes, dips, ear cleansers and sprays. Last night,  I think I have finally had enough!  I had three glasses of wine and still could not stop SCRATCHING. What's funny is we were both scratching. I was trying to drift off into a bliss as I started to envision "The infestation" covering me. It taking hold of me and my new p.j.'s like a cocoon and running for their nest! Are these things as strong as ants? Can they join forces and actually enclose on my pup and me? We would be lost forever as their hosts slaves? So, I reluctantly left my bed and headed to the couch. Once again I  curled up to yet another horror movie and downed another glass of wine. My itchy and scratchy partner followed me and curled up behind my legs. It's 4 am. I am wide awake and so are the FLEAS!!!!!! I begin to watch the original Invasion of the Body Snatchers and I realise: My story depicts a duplicate version. I have been invaded my fleas. The are invaders and are devoid of any emotion or individuality.  They move quickly and are unforgiving of attacks. They are here! Any thoughts? Any Suggestions? We are here on Prospect Street. Me, Brutus and the Fleas! Send Help! S.O.S (Save Our Scratching) LISTEN TO ME BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!!!!!!

http://www.imdb.com/rg/s/4/video/screenplay/vi3014131993/