Adventure #43 Counting Sheep!
Toss and Turn. Roll over get some water. Bark. Bark. Cough. Cough. It's Too Hot in Here! I can't stand this pillow! Friday Night, It's 3 A.M. and I have to be back at work at 10. 7 hours you say no problem. Well, not when your mind and heart are racing with questions and concerns. It's not gonna happen. I am up and so is The Beast! He's restless and ready for a late night adventure. I put on my finest don't rape me tonight sweats and head South down Osprey Ave. We are out peeing, pooping, drinking some fine Walgreen's Chablis and oh yeah the best part... Window Shopping. With all the stores closed now at 4 A.M. I am safe from a shop-my-feelings-credit-card-melt-down...we proceed. We first stop at his second favorite Dog Shop called, "Woof Gang Bakery." I say 2nd cause Duh, my homemade cookies are his favorite. Hello! They are named after him for Brutus sake! I like the store displays and all the cute accessories in this quaint place but the sales lady/owner is such a pretentious bitch! We take a pic and proceed. He lunges across the street too his favorite dog bowl hole and at 4:30 A.M. even my, "I know every bartender in town," isn't gonna get one tonight! It's crazy; that he remembers landmarks in his neighborhood, is it crazy that we are still out? Maybe he is smarter then I think. We head past Morton's, if you don't live here which I am assuming my Bangladesh people have never been...(so weird.) Morton's is a Gourmet very expensive market. People there pay at least 75% more then they would down the street but with their sweaters tied to one side of their THIS YEARS POLOS...it's acceptable! The store is pretty cute though. I think I opted too splurge one day and got a pound of $26 dollar coffee. It's still in my pantry. Our last stop, while we crissed-crossed...(JUMP JUMP) on the way home was C-Cup and Up! It's a men's and woman's underneaths store. I like their window displays but easily pass aka stubble by after Legends but "someone" wanted to peruse these goods. Brutus was so interested in the mannequins. I don't know if he thought they were actual people, I don't know if he felt he needed a pair of Star Wars Boy Briefs but he wanted in! We took pictures of him poising as if he was the next "IT THING!" So, I gave in and sat there for awhile and tried to breathe and relax. All of sudden the time passed us by and I realized just how late it was. A runner fully equipped with dual water bottles and headlight ran passed us! Um.... this guy has already been to bed and I am still up! Yep, need to get back. On the way home, I actually got tired. He seemed over it too. Shopping Bag less, my wine drip less, it was time for bed. We didn't need to count sheep. We just needed a late night stroll and some $46 cute panties to put us into a 2 hour coma. Nightie Night.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Sweaty Summer Days
Adventure #42 Real Men Love Pink
I don't know about anyone besides me but I will take a stab in the dark to say... IT'S FREAKING REALLY HOT! Summer days are here. That means me getting up even earlier to walk my little muffin butt. At 8:02 A.M. our Starbucks run and walk are done and at the end of the finish line there is a new addition! OK so I am not as well off as some of Florida friends. I Rent = No Pool. :( During this time of the year I would absolutely love a pool. I have never been a strong swimmer and I am guessing with his neon life jacket and my love for Miller Light, it would be a emergency situation anyways. So, I am stuck with my $10 dollar pool from Walmart, it's amazing! Its Hot Pink. I went yesterday of course to just pick up the basics and ended up having a $180.00 bill on God Knows what. I know what you are thinking, Hot Pink? Brutus is a boy, and by his two hanging glands I was worried. During the drive home, I kept peeking back at this purchase shoved into the back of my Jeep. What if he doesn't like it? What if he wanted the Nemo One? What if I should just shoot myself now because this is the highlight of my day? I took chance, like most things in my life, filled it up with Florida's finest spritzer and let him have at it. This is the result of sexual frustration and perhaps the color. (on him not me.) You be the judge. Victoria Secret and Ralph Lauren both think so. Do real men actually love pink?
I don't know about anyone besides me but I will take a stab in the dark to say... IT'S FREAKING REALLY HOT! Summer days are here. That means me getting up even earlier to walk my little muffin butt. At 8:02 A.M. our Starbucks run and walk are done and at the end of the finish line there is a new addition! OK so I am not as well off as some of Florida friends. I Rent = No Pool. :( During this time of the year I would absolutely love a pool. I have never been a strong swimmer and I am guessing with his neon life jacket and my love for Miller Light, it would be a emergency situation anyways. So, I am stuck with my $10 dollar pool from Walmart, it's amazing! Its Hot Pink. I went yesterday of course to just pick up the basics and ended up having a $180.00 bill on God Knows what. I know what you are thinking, Hot Pink? Brutus is a boy, and by his two hanging glands I was worried. During the drive home, I kept peeking back at this purchase shoved into the back of my Jeep. What if he doesn't like it? What if he wanted the Nemo One? What if I should just shoot myself now because this is the highlight of my day? I took chance, like most things in my life, filled it up with Florida's finest spritzer and let him have at it. This is the result of sexual frustration and perhaps the color. (on him not me.) You be the judge. Victoria Secret and Ralph Lauren both think so. Do real men actually love pink?
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Down Ward Dog
Adventure # 41 Summer Blues
Ahhh Summer Love. The smell of the ocean, my cocktail, his lips, his sweaty ball sack and my dignity have all grown tiresome. I am in a rut and Brutus is just going along for the ride. I have lost a lot of interest and motivation in just daily things. The laundry and the bills are piling up. Yet, I still am standing still. This morning, I actually got motivated and ran him to the "Handsome Salon" for the day while I scooted around town gathering items like I was hoarding up for winter. (The dog food, the wine, the steaks, the dirty gossip mags, the oh just another quick stop at Chipotle again!) I freaking love that place. It is "dog friendly" but not bikini friendly. O.K. While waiting for Mr. Mr. to get cute I headed up this fine burrito loading station! My lunch included: A Steak Burrito, a side of chips, salsa and their to die for guacamole.... Calorie totaling just for the Steak Burrito: 1280 Cal. with a cheese thighs whooping 49 Grams of Fat!!! Holy I Will Never Have Sex Again Waistline!! Holy sign me up for Sweating to The Oldies with Richard Simmons, Holy Guacamole!!! Burrito loading station... NO SHIT!! I am going to need 12 laxatives... I am going to have to start being one of those girls that does their hair and nails but doesn't notice their gigantic ass protruding under their Spandex!! AHHHHHHHH! Here is the information link just in case you wanna purge later. OK back to the rest of the story!
So, I take my enlarged booty back to "Yuppy Puppy Pet Salon," and after $50 dollars of no hair cut just the bells and whistles bath.. he is looking like an extra white Marshmallow! He looks awesome.. I however run... I mean drive back to the house to change into a comfy pair of "yoga pants." I say "yoga pants" because I own about 14 pairs in all colors but have yet to attended or DVD one single session. I bought the mat, got everything of course matchy-matchy but yep, you guessed never down-ward-doggie-styled anywhere. We are now out on our usual but slower walk and my sister calls. Sometimes My sister and I can talk for hours and on this particular day, it was no different. We gab about everything and on this day I was complaining about all sorts of things. As I approached a fork in the road, this white haired AARP lady stopped suddenly. I told her to walk by first as she was walking two ridiculous ankle bitter white poodles. Did I mention it has been raining a lot? Well anyways, I have the phone in one hand, Bru's Leash in the other and a Delicious steamer wedged in a bag somewhere in between all that and the FING lady wont budge! She won't move to one side of the pavement! She wont let me pass on the sidewalk and she wont go first! So, I again say, "Ma'am please it's fine!" and in her Cape Cod accent she shouts. "You Go First I am Worried!" JESUS CHRIST WOMAN!! Great! I then guide my freshly clean dog in mud, puddles and rain water so this lady feels "safe" from my dog. UNREAL! $50 down the drain and I get so frustrated, I shout out too Brutus: "You FING Pile Of Shit!" The lady which had already passed me turns around with the "holy crap I am scared look" and thinks I am talking to her. I sadly have to say sorry ma'am I was yelling at my dog, not you. I hang up with my sister, head back to the house and finish the FING Awesome Burrito! Crouching Dog Hidden Six Pack My ASS!
Ahhh Summer Love. The smell of the ocean, my cocktail, his lips, his sweaty ball sack and my dignity have all grown tiresome. I am in a rut and Brutus is just going along for the ride. I have lost a lot of interest and motivation in just daily things. The laundry and the bills are piling up. Yet, I still am standing still. This morning, I actually got motivated and ran him to the "Handsome Salon" for the day while I scooted around town gathering items like I was hoarding up for winter. (The dog food, the wine, the steaks, the dirty gossip mags, the oh just another quick stop at Chipotle again!) I freaking love that place. It is "dog friendly" but not bikini friendly. O.K. While waiting for Mr. Mr. to get cute I headed up this fine burrito loading station! My lunch included: A Steak Burrito, a side of chips, salsa and their to die for guacamole.... Calorie totaling just for the Steak Burrito: 1280 Cal. with a cheese thighs whooping 49 Grams of Fat!!! Holy I Will Never Have Sex Again Waistline!! Holy sign me up for Sweating to The Oldies with Richard Simmons, Holy Guacamole!!! Burrito loading station... NO SHIT!! I am going to need 12 laxatives... I am going to have to start being one of those girls that does their hair and nails but doesn't notice their gigantic ass protruding under their Spandex!! AHHHHHHHH! Here is the information link just in case you wanna purge later. OK back to the rest of the story!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Rub a Dub Dub!
Adventure #40 Mom, I dropped the Soap!
Some people have the perfect shower experience. They have matching soaps with matching towels. They have Silver Moen faucets equipped with Jacuzzi style jets. The Beautiful Perfection of crown molding and granite counter tops. I have a sink and a tub. See, I live in an old Florida House and with old and the inexpensive rent; it is what it is. I have been hearing that phrase a lot lately and I feel it applying to various things in my life. It is what it is, what it is: a freaking place to pee and place to have my 10 mins. to quickly reapply makeup when one of my friends needs "a drinkin' buddy." My buddy lately comes short, stubby, rough and tough. He snarls at Pastel Popped-Collar Boys, he hates the "high maintenance Siesta Key girl" and he absolutely hates being left untended. I have a standard shower curtain and with that, there is literally a simple piece of cloth between me and the beast. Picture this: I'm tired, eyes barely opened, hair in a Kewpie Doll Styled Hairdo see: (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kewpie_doll) and who comes barreling through this tiny sheet I have? Yep, you guessed it... Brutus. In past posts, I have mentioned his love for anything girlie. He especially loves soap. Brutus goes in, charges for the soap, jumps out again, half-wet and charges down the hallway. I am dripping, with conditioned hair running down my face and he thinks this is all a game! He "hides" under the coffee table as usual and I go plummeting right for what's left of my Dove Soap! Is that the end of the story...well unfortunately no! Here is small list of things Brutus has fearlessly taken possession from the tub. And also why I am beginning to think he might be coming out of the closet this year???!
Stolen Item Believed Reasoning
My Koosh Ball For Lathering (Does he want to freshen up before the dog park?)
Any Soap Form (He loves Lavender cause it's this years color?)
A Rubber Duckie (A Present for his new partner?)
Razors (He must have that Fresh Clean Look?)
Wash Cloths (Maybe he is stealing them as part of a Craft Project?)
Full Body Wash Bottles (He Loves The Feeling when It hits his butt!)
There is a Little saying that I made up during the first few months of owning Brutus.. You have to sing it in a winy, girlie voice like you would be teasing a boy you liked! "AH MY NAME IS BRUTUS! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!! NA NA NA NA!!" I realized that this is all he wants! He loves to grab my attention, he likes to provoke me and he cannot stand me ignoring him! Well, the bath ritual will most likely go on unless I get that exciting shower door I always wanted. Or a new dog that is not metrosexual! I guess.. It Is what it is!
Some people have the perfect shower experience. They have matching soaps with matching towels. They have Silver Moen faucets equipped with Jacuzzi style jets. The Beautiful Perfection of crown molding and granite counter tops. I have a sink and a tub. See, I live in an old Florida House and with old and the inexpensive rent; it is what it is. I have been hearing that phrase a lot lately and I feel it applying to various things in my life. It is what it is, what it is: a freaking place to pee and place to have my 10 mins. to quickly reapply makeup when one of my friends needs "a drinkin' buddy." My buddy lately comes short, stubby, rough and tough. He snarls at Pastel Popped-Collar Boys, he hates the "high maintenance Siesta Key girl" and he absolutely hates being left untended. I have a standard shower curtain and with that, there is literally a simple piece of cloth between me and the beast. Picture this: I'm tired, eyes barely opened, hair in a Kewpie Doll Styled Hairdo see: (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kewpie_doll) and who comes barreling through this tiny sheet I have? Yep, you guessed it... Brutus. In past posts, I have mentioned his love for anything girlie. He especially loves soap. Brutus goes in, charges for the soap, jumps out again, half-wet and charges down the hallway. I am dripping, with conditioned hair running down my face and he thinks this is all a game! He "hides" under the coffee table as usual and I go plummeting right for what's left of my Dove Soap! Is that the end of the story...well unfortunately no! Here is small list of things Brutus has fearlessly taken possession from the tub. And also why I am beginning to think he might be coming out of the closet this year???!
Stolen Item Believed Reasoning
My Koosh Ball For Lathering (Does he want to freshen up before the dog park?)
Any Soap Form (He loves Lavender cause it's this years color?)
A Rubber Duckie (A Present for his new partner?)
Razors (He must have that Fresh Clean Look?)
Wash Cloths (Maybe he is stealing them as part of a Craft Project?)
Full Body Wash Bottles (He Loves The Feeling when It hits his butt!)
There is a Little saying that I made up during the first few months of owning Brutus.. You have to sing it in a winy, girlie voice like you would be teasing a boy you liked! "AH MY NAME IS BRUTUS! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!! NA NA NA NA!!" I realized that this is all he wants! He loves to grab my attention, he likes to provoke me and he cannot stand me ignoring him! Well, the bath ritual will most likely go on unless I get that exciting shower door I always wanted. Or a new dog that is not metrosexual! I guess.. It Is what it is!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)