Adventure #24 Scalping My Tickets!
Lately, I have encountered many "cheerleaders" in my blog and in my new business, Brutus Bites. And I thank them all. Though, I have also encountered the unavailable ones. You know the friends that will always go for a beer with you but aren't interested in taking the quick time, twice a week to read my posts... You know who you are. And maybe if I were to put your names on here, you would be sure to "stay tuned" and read more often. So I have two choices. #1: Keep posting scattered thoughts about my dog and his daily adventures or #2 I can call you all out! I think #2 sounds way more fun.. so here we go! Hmmm where to start.
"Jimmy" we all know that time management is your worse threat and you biggest obstacle. Get off the couch, clean your face and get on the computer and Google: The Adventures of Brutus: Slobber Face. It was my first post, back two months ago now...start there. Be supportive and stop being a donut! "Kdogs" we all have heard your countless stories about business practices and tutorials on life. Though, now when I am actually doing something my life, you are sitting on the sidelines and not cheering. You are the lame band wagon Rays fan, that leaves during the 2nd. inning too come back drunk, by the 7th inning stretch, and misses all the action. Boo on you. Wait I can't boo you, cause you are not even in the stadium. BLAH! "Mom" remember when we never had the "Sex Talk" back in my tweens, I never thought that would be the beginning to the end to all of our talks. Well 22 years later, I am still waiting for your talk with me about anything of substance and still waiting for you to read my blog! Your Grandson Brutus is pissed off that you in 2011, you think a desktop is something to place picture frames of all of his kids on and not a computer! "Care Bear" No! I know you don't hear that word often from girls but I will not put my blog on C.D. Rom audio for you! It takes a little time twice a week to open up my posts. I purposely listed you last because you told me you don't like to read. Crossing fingers, you made it to the end of this post and for once your baby blues aren't gonna work this time!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
My Side Of The Bed
Adventure # 23 Sleepless Dreams
I used to think that as a girl in my twenties, it was easy to get a guy in bed... Never being the "Let's Just Hook Up Type," I guess I never put the urban kinda legend to it's true test. You know the legend I am talking about... Right? O.K. So it's the one, that says that any girl, at any bar, can take a guy home at some point throughout the night... Sound a little familiar? Well, I am not just any girl and now in my thirties..., cough, cough early thirties; I am not really in on just taking any guy home. After all, there should be a guy in my bed, and his name is Brutus. Though on some certain Chardonnay-filled nights, I wonder why I am home alone again on my Friday Night. (Insert I feel bad for this girl moment now.) O.K. yep... so I am sitting here typing on my Mac wondering if I would actually want someone over here? Would he get attacked by English Boyfriend Brutus? Would he want to lay in my plum-colored-specs-of-white-bru-haired-bed? Would he want to sip cheap Chardonnay and watch Chelsea Handler with me? I am guessing not. I am also guessing that the real and attentive man in my life right now is fast asleep and ignoring me for the rest of the evening. So, just to prove my thoughts, "I'm Ridin' Solo!" Thanks Jason Derulo for illustrating the lyrics to my evening... If you need a reference to this song, "Carla, Kathy, Ann and Kate," Please.. YOUTUBE:
Well, now that little pop-culture message is complete, here is a video of my "boyfriend" too lazy to make it into my bed also! Too Tired, too fat, too sick of me, Really? I am actually that repulsive? I guess the video says it all, I guess I really am ridin' solo?
I used to think that as a girl in my twenties, it was easy to get a guy in bed... Never being the "Let's Just Hook Up Type," I guess I never put the urban kinda legend to it's true test. You know the legend I am talking about... Right? O.K. So it's the one, that says that any girl, at any bar, can take a guy home at some point throughout the night... Sound a little familiar? Well, I am not just any girl and now in my thirties..., cough, cough early thirties; I am not really in on just taking any guy home. After all, there should be a guy in my bed, and his name is Brutus. Though on some certain Chardonnay-filled nights, I wonder why I am home alone again on my Friday Night. (Insert I feel bad for this girl moment now.) O.K. yep... so I am sitting here typing on my Mac wondering if I would actually want someone over here? Would he get attacked by English Boyfriend Brutus? Would he want to lay in my plum-colored-specs-of-white-bru-haired-bed? Would he want to sip cheap Chardonnay and watch Chelsea Handler with me? I am guessing not. I am also guessing that the real and attentive man in my life right now is fast asleep and ignoring me for the rest of the evening. So, just to prove my thoughts, "I'm Ridin' Solo!" Thanks Jason Derulo for illustrating the lyrics to my evening... If you need a reference to this song, "Carla, Kathy, Ann and Kate," Please.. YOUTUBE:
Jason Derulo "Ridin' Solo" (Official Lyrics Video) |
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Purchasing An Expensive Slap Chop!
Adventure #22 What To Do About His You-Know-Whats?
So, I think I Have put it off for long enough...What's the deal with my dog's nuts? To chop or not to chop, that is the question... My vet said yes from the very first time they met, my bruises from the humping say yes, my x says Hell No, my sister says please do it so you will stop bitching, all my guy friends say DON'T DO IT!! But, what does Brutus say? Is he still a "man" without them? Will he still be my Brutus? Do I ever wanna breed him? He is a pretty sexy, little meatball. After much research, I am still searching for the magic tool and advice in nut chopping? Is there a Doggy One step Slap Chop? What about Neuticles? You know those fake plastic dog balls like cheap fake breasts? Can I keep them afterwards in the freezer next to my vodka? Can I seal them up in a plastic sip lock bag and hang them from my jeep rear view mirror? Can they be bronzed? Will he start to act like a girl and wanna watch Life Time Television all the time? These are all questions that I need answers too! I need these answers NOW! So, I have been rambling on for just over two months now and I have received some good feedback and a few "oh, I'm trying to help you crap." So, this is your chance. Chop? Or No Chop? I would like a comment back from everyone that reads this article. It takes two secs.. come on people!!! Bru's Nuts are on the chopping block! His swollen glands are asking for your intake! Let me know. ASAPBBNDOU! (as soon as possible because Brutus's Nuts depend on you!) See ya later, I am off to go have a delicious non-threatening chopped salad.
So, I think I Have put it off for long enough...What's the deal with my dog's nuts? To chop or not to chop, that is the question... My vet said yes from the very first time they met, my bruises from the humping say yes, my x says Hell No, my sister says please do it so you will stop bitching, all my guy friends say DON'T DO IT!! But, what does Brutus say? Is he still a "man" without them? Will he still be my Brutus? Do I ever wanna breed him? He is a pretty sexy, little meatball. After much research, I am still searching for the magic tool and advice in nut chopping? Is there a Doggy One step Slap Chop? What about Neuticles? You know those fake plastic dog balls like cheap fake breasts? Can I keep them afterwards in the freezer next to my vodka? Can I seal them up in a plastic sip lock bag and hang them from my jeep rear view mirror? Can they be bronzed? Will he start to act like a girl and wanna watch Life Time Television all the time? These are all questions that I need answers too! I need these answers NOW! So, I have been rambling on for just over two months now and I have received some good feedback and a few "oh, I'm trying to help you crap." So, this is your chance. Chop? Or No Chop? I would like a comment back from everyone that reads this article. It takes two secs.. come on people!!! Bru's Nuts are on the chopping block! His swollen glands are asking for your intake! Let me know. ASAPBBNDOU! (as soon as possible because Brutus's Nuts depend on you!) See ya later, I am off to go have a delicious non-threatening chopped salad.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Poolside Cabana For One Please?
Adventure #21 The Biggest Plastic Chew Toy Ever
So, its my day off and glancing at myself Wednesday morning, I noticed something was missing. My Tan? Where did it go? I live in Florida for God's sake and these crisp sun-drenched tourists look better then me. So, there I was another hour to do anything moment. It took one hour to: go to the store buy tanning lotion, make lemonade, clean out his lizard, dirty, infested pool, fill the pool up with water, buy and float his duckies, get a towel ready, wash off the patio table and finally change into my swimsuit and grab the dog. WOOOO! Brutus goes rushing through the back gate and dives into the pool belly flop style with great joy! AHHHHH....It was finally time for me to sip on my cool lemonade and catch up on my delicious gossip magazines. I was just diving into Kim K., Katy Perry and the latest off screen fight between some twit on the "Real Housewives," when I was sadly interrupted. After exactly 3 minutes from entering the pool and playing with his duckies, he decides his green pool is his new chew toy! The scratching turns into biting, ferocious growling turns into a mad man and little by little the pool get destroyed. In the past week, I have been accused of "stretching" my stories by a few readers. These readers have never owned an English Bulldog, these readers have never met Brutus! Just to prove a point and bare the future comments, I decided to videotape this debacle. There is no exaggeration. There is no stretching the truth. The only thing I wanna stretch is Brutus's face for doing this to my backyard and to his pool. People would pay money to sit on my roof and watch my hopeful day of getting a tan, wash away. This dog is crazy. This dog is white, and so am I!
So, its my day off and glancing at myself Wednesday morning, I noticed something was missing. My Tan? Where did it go? I live in Florida for God's sake and these crisp sun-drenched tourists look better then me. So, there I was another hour to do anything moment. It took one hour to: go to the store buy tanning lotion, make lemonade, clean out his lizard, dirty, infested pool, fill the pool up with water, buy and float his duckies, get a towel ready, wash off the patio table and finally change into my swimsuit and grab the dog. WOOOO! Brutus goes rushing through the back gate and dives into the pool belly flop style with great joy! AHHHHH....It was finally time for me to sip on my cool lemonade and catch up on my delicious gossip magazines. I was just diving into Kim K., Katy Perry and the latest off screen fight between some twit on the "Real Housewives," when I was sadly interrupted. After exactly 3 minutes from entering the pool and playing with his duckies, he decides his green pool is his new chew toy! The scratching turns into biting, ferocious growling turns into a mad man and little by little the pool get destroyed. In the past week, I have been accused of "stretching" my stories by a few readers. These readers have never owned an English Bulldog, these readers have never met Brutus! Just to prove a point and bare the future comments, I decided to videotape this debacle. There is no exaggeration. There is no stretching the truth. The only thing I wanna stretch is Brutus's face for doing this to my backyard and to his pool. People would pay money to sit on my roof and watch my hopeful day of getting a tan, wash away. This dog is crazy. This dog is white, and so am I!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Looking For The Right Mate
Adventure #20 The Perfect Match
Strong, dependable, courageous, tough, sensitive, funny, handsome and gentle. Are we still talking about Brutus? Well, yes... kinda. I was just walking with my boyfriend Brutus this morning and I realized he has the exact same qualities that I look for in a guy. Conscience? I think Not! I have compiled a list of what would be his face book stats or his personal add and this is what "we" came up with.
SINGLE-WHITE-ENGLISH-MAN-SEEKS-A LOT- OF-ATTENTION-FROM-CUTE-NON-COMPLICATED-LOVING-FUN-FILLED-NON-SLUTTY-FEMALE:
Strong- Have you seen his quad muscles?
Sweet- In the mornings..he really is.
Soft Kisser- See above
Handsome- Hello? Enough said.
Funny- I think I have already explained funny things he has done.
Environmentalist- Um, yeah he poops a lot= FREE FERTILIZER!
Good With Kids- Is gentle and curious about all children.
Loves His Mommy- Quality and Rule Should be Number 1!
Loves the Outdoors- Parks, The Ocean, The Bars (my Fave!)
Sports- Cubs For Life! Professional Skateboarder.
Takes Walks- He Takes Time to Take it All in, Breathes and Relaxes.
Please Print In Sunday Newspaper! Well, that is pretty much his best qualities and therefor should be able to meet his perfect match. Now, if I could only find a person-version of him, minus the slobber and the farts....
Strong, dependable, courageous, tough, sensitive, funny, handsome and gentle. Are we still talking about Brutus? Well, yes... kinda. I was just walking with my boyfriend Brutus this morning and I realized he has the exact same qualities that I look for in a guy. Conscience? I think Not! I have compiled a list of what would be his face book stats or his personal add and this is what "we" came up with.
SINGLE-WHITE-ENGLISH-MAN-SEEKS-A LOT- OF-ATTENTION-FROM-CUTE-NON-COMPLICATED-LOVING-FUN-FILLED-NON-SLUTTY-FEMALE:
Strong- Have you seen his quad muscles?
Sweet- In the mornings..he really is.
Soft Kisser- See above
Handsome- Hello? Enough said.
Funny- I think I have already explained funny things he has done.
Environmentalist- Um, yeah he poops a lot= FREE FERTILIZER!
Good With Kids- Is gentle and curious about all children.
Loves His Mommy- Quality and Rule Should be Number 1!
Loves the Outdoors- Parks, The Ocean, The Bars (my Fave!)
Sports- Cubs For Life! Professional Skateboarder.
Takes Walks- He Takes Time to Take it All in, Breathes and Relaxes.
Please Print In Sunday Newspaper! Well, that is pretty much his best qualities and therefor should be able to meet his perfect match. Now, if I could only find a person-version of him, minus the slobber and the farts....
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Acid Covered Collection Spring 2011
Adventure #19 Attack of The Disgruntled Tourist
Tiki Bars on the West Coast of Florida come with many of the same qualities of other coasts. The main characteristics of these Hot Spots include : Over-prices-weak-alcohol-colorful drinks, island style music, steel drums, fresh smelling local fare, the locals and then the very offensive tourist. Interesting enough on some days at my local spot, I have seen fanny-packs, butt cracks, burping bulging fat guys and my favorite disgruntled slutty girls. This day was no different. At the start of Spring the girls are running wild, most people have been sitting in the sun drinking for hours, and then there are the others, "I don't bother to wear sunscreen lobster red faces!" I had just got out to the Marina and was randomly sober compared to all the others out there that day. I had on a baseball hat and a casual T-shirt, the tourists were ordained with perfect "Lilly Pulitzer" pink and green outfits. The "Ladies who Lunched" sipped there casual cocktails with their Botox and lip injected faces and I belly-up and chugged my Miller Lite under the setting sun. I was meeting my friend Elisabeth and she was READY2Go! I am there for about 10 minutes when one of the Older Lilly Models approached us. "Oh, Your Dog is SO Cute!" What's his name?" Said the lady that looked she hadn't taken a number 2 since last Tuesday! Um, This is Brutus, but be careful he is still a puppy and is very excited to be here! The lady reaches down to pet his already slobber-filled face and he pounces both paws on her cute over-priced flower-filled ensemble. Oops! Your bad.
The look of disgust travels from the bottom of her face and I guess to the top of her forehead, but obviously can't quite tell because of the Botox. Anyways, I apologize immediately cause I actually do feel bad that her skirt was harmed, so I offered her a napkin. She then says, "Ah, No Thanks that wont rid the slobber." My mind instantly flashes back onto the movie the Blob. Am I showing my age or do you guys remember it? Picture this scene: Sexy Female on the lake when the famous red goo rises through the cracks of the dock. The mixture of slime and pure evil start to rise over the girls body as her skin peels away slowly. This is the exact reaction this lady had on her face. She dramatically acted as if this mixture was going to melt her face off. Now here is where my friend goes off: 1.) You were warned. 2.) You are dressed for a white linen table cocktail party not a beach bar. 3.) Your Over-Priced Skirt is Ugly! (don't know if that is valid but it felt good hearing it and 4.) IT'S JUST SALIVA LADY!! The uncomfortable scene travels from one end of the bar to the other.. And then that is when it is my cue to leave. Combined quote from The Blob 1988 and myself this would be the Trailer: If it had a mind you could reason with it, if it had a face, you could look it in the eye. if it had a body you could shoot it.....Now woman in ugly skirt you are not the supreme intelligent one anymore at this Tiki Bar...Lady I think you just pissed it off! Terror has no shame!
Tiki Bars on the West Coast of Florida come with many of the same qualities of other coasts. The main characteristics of these Hot Spots include : Over-prices-weak-alcohol-colorful drinks, island style music, steel drums, fresh smelling local fare, the locals and then the very offensive tourist. Interesting enough on some days at my local spot, I have seen fanny-packs, butt cracks, burping bulging fat guys and my favorite disgruntled slutty girls. This day was no different. At the start of Spring the girls are running wild, most people have been sitting in the sun drinking for hours, and then there are the others, "I don't bother to wear sunscreen lobster red faces!" I had just got out to the Marina and was randomly sober compared to all the others out there that day. I had on a baseball hat and a casual T-shirt, the tourists were ordained with perfect "Lilly Pulitzer" pink and green outfits. The "Ladies who Lunched" sipped there casual cocktails with their Botox and lip injected faces and I belly-up and chugged my Miller Lite under the setting sun. I was meeting my friend Elisabeth and she was READY2Go! I am there for about 10 minutes when one of the Older Lilly Models approached us. "Oh, Your Dog is SO Cute!" What's his name?" Said the lady that looked she hadn't taken a number 2 since last Tuesday! Um, This is Brutus, but be careful he is still a puppy and is very excited to be here! The lady reaches down to pet his already slobber-filled face and he pounces both paws on her cute over-priced flower-filled ensemble. Oops! Your bad.
The look of disgust travels from the bottom of her face and I guess to the top of her forehead, but obviously can't quite tell because of the Botox. Anyways, I apologize immediately cause I actually do feel bad that her skirt was harmed, so I offered her a napkin. She then says, "Ah, No Thanks that wont rid the slobber." My mind instantly flashes back onto the movie the Blob. Am I showing my age or do you guys remember it? Picture this scene: Sexy Female on the lake when the famous red goo rises through the cracks of the dock. The mixture of slime and pure evil start to rise over the girls body as her skin peels away slowly. This is the exact reaction this lady had on her face. She dramatically acted as if this mixture was going to melt her face off. Now here is where my friend goes off: 1.) You were warned. 2.) You are dressed for a white linen table cocktail party not a beach bar. 3.) Your Over-Priced Skirt is Ugly! (don't know if that is valid but it felt good hearing it and 4.) IT'S JUST SALIVA LADY!! The uncomfortable scene travels from one end of the bar to the other.. And then that is when it is my cue to leave. Combined quote from The Blob 1988 and myself this would be the Trailer: If it had a mind you could reason with it, if it had a face, you could look it in the eye. if it had a body you could shoot it.....Now woman in ugly skirt you are not the supreme intelligent one anymore at this Tiki Bar...Lady I think you just pissed it off! Terror has no shame!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Date Night Smack Down
Adventure #18 Delay of Game
There are two extra balls on the court! They say that females are the ones that get primped and pretty for any date but that was not the case for my English Bulldog Brutus Last Night. Yep, u guessed, he was extra white, teeth brushed, nails filed and face de-drooled. He was looking good and excited! We were headed for Uncle Rob's and Aunt Alicia's House. Casa DE Mojitos and Oyster BBQ. The thrill of him jolting towards the front door to see his lady in waiting, the one his only... a pretty boxer named Rica! See they were sweethearts right from the start at the age of 9 weeks. Growing anticipation for the longing for her he sprinted through the living room, to find two extra surprises! ANOTHER MAN????? Game Over Brutus! You got shot down! Two extra balls were flying through the air and on to his sweethearts face! WTFHIHDH??????? Translation (what the flying heck is he doing here)!!!!!! Yep, another Boxer! And a big one! He was rough around the edges, face all torn up and weathered! Eyes when they glare back at you only can imagine that this dog's been places..(If you know what I mean.) BOOOOOO! I have yet to mentioned in my blog that um mm drum roll? Brutus is a Virgin! He is as pure and white as his perfect coat and has been waiting for his long lost love Rica. Fast forward to the second half when all Hell breaks loose! Brutus comes to find this horn dog mounting his princess with no shame; right in front of him! Thrusting and Pumping in the middle of the back yard. Face full of dirt and shame covers the vibe of the party like warm spilled Jello. They sniff each other and give light butterfly I miss you kisses, and then the unwelcome bastard mixed breed, ugly, unclaimed pimp comes racing for her! Brutus turns to me as if to say, "Mom, really? I am so more handsome!" We go on with our BBQ, and Bru takes his place gentlemanly on the chair and patiently waits for his princess to return to his side. AHHHH Booo.... His lady glances back at him and whispers.... I Still Olive Juice!
There are two extra balls on the court! They say that females are the ones that get primped and pretty for any date but that was not the case for my English Bulldog Brutus Last Night. Yep, u guessed, he was extra white, teeth brushed, nails filed and face de-drooled. He was looking good and excited! We were headed for Uncle Rob's and Aunt Alicia's House. Casa DE Mojitos and Oyster BBQ. The thrill of him jolting towards the front door to see his lady in waiting, the one his only... a pretty boxer named Rica! See they were sweethearts right from the start at the age of 9 weeks. Growing anticipation for the longing for her he sprinted through the living room, to find two extra surprises! ANOTHER MAN????? Game Over Brutus! You got shot down! Two extra balls were flying through the air and on to his sweethearts face! WTFHIHDH??????? Translation (what the flying heck is he doing here)!!!!!! Yep, another Boxer! And a big one! He was rough around the edges, face all torn up and weathered! Eyes when they glare back at you only can imagine that this dog's been places..(If you know what I mean.) BOOOOOO! I have yet to mentioned in my blog that um mm drum roll? Brutus is a Virgin! He is as pure and white as his perfect coat and has been waiting for his long lost love Rica. Fast forward to the second half when all Hell breaks loose! Brutus comes to find this horn dog mounting his princess with no shame; right in front of him! Thrusting and Pumping in the middle of the back yard. Face full of dirt and shame covers the vibe of the party like warm spilled Jello. They sniff each other and give light butterfly I miss you kisses, and then the unwelcome bastard mixed breed, ugly, unclaimed pimp comes racing for her! Brutus turns to me as if to say, "Mom, really? I am so more handsome!" We go on with our BBQ, and Bru takes his place gentlemanly on the chair and patiently waits for his princess to return to his side. AHHHH Booo.... His lady glances back at him and whispers.... I Still Olive Juice!
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