Thursday, November 3, 2011

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

My Hero

Adventure #48 Woken up to a Horrific Nightmare!

A lot of people in and out of Brutus's life have criticized him as a drooling, dumb dog. He doesn't listen. He doesn't mind me. He is not trained. Too all those people, I would like to say HA! Last Tuesday night, well Wednesday morning about 2:40 A.M. I was abruptly awoken by the loudest and scariest bark! I sat up and thought that couldn't be my dog? I barely opened my eyes and realized the lazy always conked out guy next to me, wasn't. I then tip-toed towards my living room and there he was: My 65-pound English bulldog, bowed up and barking like a Rottweiler! His chest high to the ceiling and his bark unrecognizable! With Halloween right around the corner, my love for scary movies had overspilled into an all-day, all-night marathon of Freddy, Michael and Jason. With my blood pumping like crazy, I peered through my blinds on my one level Florida Style, Non-Alarm house and saw one large man pillaging through my Jeep, just four steps from my front door!

      Those of you that have never been scared or those of you that are males particularly, do not understand my anxiety and fright! I hit the ground and made my way back to my cell phone and immediately dialed 911! Operator, "What's your emergency?" I begin to tell her about one man that was just steps away from my (by the way opened window) when I looked through the blinds again and realized that there was a strange sedan with there lights off and another man in the driver seat! I do the math in my head. Me, single + dog, crazy + 2 men breaking in my house - me, no gun, no alarm = no nothing. Every possibility went through my head as the operator asked: "what did the people look like?" At this point, I was too scared to look again as I heard the blaring cop car chasing down my street. According to the newspaper, from the time of my call and when the officer arrived at my door, was exactly one minute. Though I would have disagreed, it felt a Hell of a lot longer! The next ten minutes was a blur. One officer asking questions. Brutus trying to break through the front door. Three squad cars racing down Osprey Ave. towards the criminal's crappy beater. Me not being able to identify the make and model of the car? Then all of a sudden, my officer gets a call takes of running and tells me to sit by myself on the porch! I go in the house grab Bru and a sweater and sit of my front porch... Terrified!  I call "Daddy" and begin trying to recap the last few minutes of chaos!  Then, here comes the criminals whizzing back down my street and four squad cars! Lights and sirens like crazy! It takes everything for me to hold Brutus back! In the end it turns out; One criminal takes off running, gets tasered and gets arrested. Many bags of cocaine were thrown from the driver who later gets in a horrific car crash with a light pole and another officer. They both are in jail and one cop was injured. I haven't slept well this last week and Bru is back in his spot in the window!  Don't Mess. Don't Hate. He's On The Watch!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Intruders of the Itchy Kind

Adventure #47 Revival

It's a new day and new attitude and a new computer! My Mac is finally back!  I sit here as the fall weather is back as well, I am thinking about about the many happenings that have taken place in our time lost. My meatball had a birthday, he is officially two now. I have lost a few pounds. About four hundred to be exact of useless friends that were weighing me down. Bru however has gained weight and gained about 100,000 fleas. If you started to scratch welcome to my world. Itch, itch. Scratch on my face, then on my knee.. oops a tickle at my neck. Ahh. I am full of itches. I have tried everything on the shelf. Scrubs, lotions, sprays, potions, powders, bombs and flea collars. He has had bathes, dips, ear cleansers and sprays. Last night,  I think I have finally had enough!  I had three glasses of wine and still could not stop SCRATCHING. What's funny is we were both scratching. I was trying to drift off into a bliss as I started to envision "The infestation" covering me. It taking hold of me and my new p.j.'s like a cocoon and running for their nest! Are these things as strong as ants? Can they join forces and actually enclose on my pup and me? We would be lost forever as their hosts slaves? So, I reluctantly left my bed and headed to the couch. Once again I  curled up to yet another horror movie and downed another glass of wine. My itchy and scratchy partner followed me and curled up behind my legs. It's 4 am. I am wide awake and so are the FLEAS!!!!!! I begin to watch the original Invasion of the Body Snatchers and I realise: My story depicts a duplicate version. I have been invaded my fleas. The are invaders and are devoid of any emotion or individuality.  They move quickly and are unforgiving of attacks. They are here! Any thoughts? Any Suggestions? We are here on Prospect Street. Me, Brutus and the Fleas! Send Help! S.O.S (Save Our Scratching) LISTEN TO ME BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!!!!!!

http://www.imdb.com/rg/s/4/video/screenplay/vi3014131993/



Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Monday, August 29, 2011

Mac D.O.A.

Adventure #46 Sad Mac

Well, some of you have probably noticed that I haven't posted anything in almost 2 weeks. That Might because of a tiny little thing missing. Nope, not Brutus. My Computer. My new Mac Book Laptop that I possessed for such a short time decided to become a chew toy, for my fabulous Bully Brutus! After a night of working and drinking I wobbled home and begin what I like to call: "Drunk Face Booking!" It's pretty funny, see you roam through pictures of people and their numerous children none of them whom you have met. You wonder... just how they could ever be married to a guy that looks like that? You come across the ones that were so much cuter in High school and the ones that have packed on more pounds their faces are now hidden between their neck rolls. There are the exes, the school teachers, the girls you were never really friends with. With this, the time passes me by and its close to 3 AM. I head to the bathroom for a quick second when I a hear the most interesting sound. Rabble, rabble, CRUNCH, CrUNCH! Shatter, shatter BREAK BREAK!! I peer down the hallway and there is my bulldog with both of his fat flaps tugging on the corner of my $1300 laptop! WTF??? BRUTUS!!!!!!!! STOPPPPP! YOUR AN ASSHOLE!! He begins to drag it halfway down the hallway towards me and terror stomps my heart and shatters my nerves. I completely take on the image of The Exorcist! You know the little girl that gets possessed and shoots vomit out of her mouth! I Yell every single swear word known to man back at this dog and all I can do is sob and only be mad at myself. I so mad that he turns two on Thursday and he is still not trained. I am mad that I left the computer on the floor. I am mad that everything nice seems to have slobber, cracks, stains and tears on it. Some response to my posts have been funny, witty, charming and interesting. Well, this one is sad. I am computerless for now but I still am Brutusfilled.

With Hope You Will Hear From Me Again Soon-

Sad in Sarasota

Friday, August 12, 2011

imovie Genius

Adventure #45 Havana Nights

So, I have this $1300 dollar lap top and besides itunes, face book, skype, gmail and cubs.com, I don't really use it for much else. Gee, I could have got a $150 Dell For that huh? So, with the combination of me being a good girl and staying home I made my first imovie. By the way, the villain has a very big part. Although, some of his scenes got cut to make room for even more slobber action and suspense!

                                                                                   



Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Super Size This!

Adventure #44 Bitches Be Trippin' Over Their Own Fat Rolls...

Unfortunately, when I have beers... I don't eat. My diet lately has consisted of Red Bull, Star Bucks and the occasional Miller Light. Yep, at this age I should probably be more balanced. Well, a lot of things should. On this particular Sunday Night, I met my friend James out for beers at our local spot. Picking at this Tuna Tempura thing, I easily lost interest in our "amazing convo" and returned home early and hungry! Bru and I dazzled back to our dwelling both slightly buzzed. I open up the fridge, and it might have well just said, "Holy crap you are single." I have 12 Dressing bottles of "Let's Eat Just Salads This Week" and a package of Frosty Paws... hm not gonna really fill me up tonight? I head to the closest and most fattening place in my neighborhood... Yep, you guessed it. Peeling across the street, we head to Wendy's and I get a Taste of my own Frosty! I order The Baconator with cheese but after five Frosty Miller Lights, I opt for the Large Combo! Oh, yeah and a Frosty For Fun! This Freaking Sprite is bigger then Brutus's face and will not fit in my Jeep's Cup Holder! Holy frostyfullofgoodnesspolozza! My Beef Cake is sitting and actually being good as the over sized herself cashier screams out a "oooh loookk at himmmmm hes so cuuuuute!" He lunges across my gallon of Sprite and me and practically ends up in the drive-thru window. The cashier is hard to not make fun because YES I too am in line for a mountain of calories...but let's just make fun of her anyway. She has a gorging muffin top. Does everyone know what a muffin top is? O.K. kids your Urban Dictionary insert for today... The abdominal spillover that results from a husky woman wearing a too-tight pair of low-cut pants. Sweet Jesus! Look at the muffin top on that deuce.  For more info see: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=muffin+top Well, she also had a pig like nose ring, heavy black eye-liner that pretty much said, "I was forced to watch my Dad bathe when I was a young pup." However, this was all chocolate covered drizzled on top with a sweet and girlie exterior personality. hmmmm.  I am perplexed. I pay and I start to pull away another bad choice of crunchiness, she yells out, "Wait! I got something for him!" In Star Bucks line and most drive-thrus in Sarasota, I have received many doggie treats. I heel and wait for Mr. Ball Sack to get another treat this evening. She huffs and puffs her way back to the window and before I realize what she has in her engorged hands, he chomps it up. Um.... WTF? What was it? I asked.... "Oh, just a spicy fried chicken finger!" said the 2 months away from being bedridden "Wendy". I peeled away in discuss and looked at the finger-lickin' good fatty next to me. Enjoy it now, cause that will be your first and your last taste of complete pudgy shame. I However returned home and ate everything but the Sprite. I will work it off in the morning and walk to go get Star Bucks! The End.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Toss and Turning

Adventure #43 Counting Sheep!

Toss and Turn. Roll over get some water. Bark. Bark. Cough. Cough. It's Too Hot in Here! I can't stand this pillow! Friday Night, It's 3 A.M. and I have to be back at work at 10. 7 hours you say no problem. Well, not when your mind and heart are racing with questions and concerns. It's not gonna happen. I am up and so is The Beast! He's restless and ready for a late night adventure. I put on my finest don't rape me tonight sweats and head South down Osprey Ave. We are out peeing, pooping, drinking some fine Walgreen's Chablis and oh yeah the best part... Window Shopping. With all the stores closed now at 4 A.M. I am safe from a shop-my-feelings-credit-card-melt-down...we proceed. We first stop at his second favorite Dog Shop called, "Woof Gang Bakery." I say 2nd cause Duh, my homemade cookies are his favorite. Hello! They are named after him for Brutus sake! I like the store displays and all the cute accessories in this quaint place but the sales lady/owner is such a pretentious bitch! We take a pic and proceed. He lunges across the street too his favorite dog bowl hole and at 4:30 A.M. even my, "I know every bartender in town," isn't gonna get one tonight! It's crazy; that he remembers landmarks in his neighborhood, is it crazy that we are still out?  Maybe he is smarter then I think. We head past Morton's, if you don't live here which I am assuming my Bangladesh people have never been...(so weird.) Morton's is a Gourmet very expensive market. People there pay at least 75% more then they would down the street but with their sweaters tied to one side of their THIS YEARS POLOS...it's acceptable! The store is pretty cute though. I think I opted too splurge one day and got a pound of $26 dollar coffee. It's still in my pantry. Our last stop, while we crissed-crossed...(JUMP JUMP) on the way home was C-Cup and Up! It's a men's and woman's underneaths store. I like their window displays but easily pass aka stubble by after Legends but "someone" wanted to peruse these goods. Brutus was so interested in the mannequins. I don't know if he thought they were actual people, I don't know if he felt he needed a pair of Star Wars Boy Briefs but he wanted in! We took pictures of him poising as if he was the next "IT THING!" So, I gave in and sat there for awhile and tried to breathe and relax. All of sudden the time passed us by and I realized just how late it was. A runner fully equipped with dual water bottles and headlight ran passed us! Um.... this guy has already been to bed and I am still up! Yep, need to get back. On the way home, I actually got tired. He seemed over it too. Shopping Bag less, my wine drip less, it was time for bed. We didn't need to count sheep. We just needed a late night stroll and some $46 cute panties to put us into a 2 hour coma. Nightie Night.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Sweaty Summer Days

Adventure #42 Real Men Love Pink



I don't know about anyone besides me but I will take a stab in the dark to say... IT'S FREAKING REALLY HOT! Summer days are here. That means me getting up even earlier to walk my little muffin butt. At 8:02 A.M. our Starbucks run and walk are done and at the end of the finish line there is a new addition! OK so I am not as well off as some of Florida friends. I Rent = No Pool. :( During this time of the year I would absolutely love a pool. I have never been a strong swimmer and I am guessing with his neon life jacket and my love for Miller Light, it would be a emergency situation anyways. So, I am stuck with my $10 dollar pool from Walmart, it's amazing! Its Hot Pink. I went yesterday of course to just pick up the basics and ended up having a $180.00 bill on God Knows what. I know what you are thinking, Hot Pink? Brutus is a boy, and by his two hanging glands I was worried. During the drive home, I kept peeking back at this purchase shoved into the back of my Jeep. What if he doesn't like it? What if he wanted the Nemo One? What if I should just shoot myself now because this is the highlight of my day? I took chance, like most things in my life, filled it up with Florida's finest spritzer and let him have at it. This is the result of sexual frustration and perhaps the color. (on him not me.) You be the judge. Victoria Secret and Ralph Lauren both think so. Do real men actually love pink?