Down Ward Dog

Adventure # 41 Summer Blues

Ahhh Summer Love. The smell of the ocean, my cocktail, his lips, his sweaty ball sack and my dignity have all grown tiresome. I am in a rut and Brutus is just going along for the ride. I have lost a lot of interest and motivation in just daily things. The laundry and the bills are piling up. Yet, I still am standing still. This morning, I actually got motivated and ran him to the "Handsome Salon" for the day while I scooted around town gathering items like I was hoarding up for winter. (The dog food, the wine, the steaks, the dirty gossip mags, the oh just another quick stop at Chipotle again!) I freaking love that place. It is "dog friendly" but not bikini friendly. O.K. While waiting for Mr. Mr. to get cute I headed up this fine burrito loading station! My lunch included: A Steak Burrito, a side of chips, salsa and their to die for guacamole.... Calorie totaling just for the Steak Burrito: 1280 Cal. with a cheese thighs whooping 49 Grams of Fat!!! Holy I Will Never Have Sex Again Waistline!! Holy sign me up for Sweating to The Oldies with Richard Simmons, Holy Guacamole!!! Burrito loading station... NO SHIT!! I am going to need 12 laxatives... I am going to have to start being one of those girls that does their hair and nails but doesn't notice their gigantic ass protruding under their Spandex!! AHHHHHHHH! Here is the information link just in case you wanna purge later. OK back to the rest of the story!

So, I take my enlarged booty back to "Yuppy Puppy Pet Salon," and after $50 dollars of no hair cut just the bells and whistles bath.. he is looking like an extra white Marshmallow! He looks awesome.. I however run... I mean drive back to the house to change into a comfy pair of "yoga pants." I say "yoga pants" because I own about 14 pairs in all colors but have yet to attended or DVD one single session. I bought the mat, got everything of course matchy-matchy but yep, you guessed never down-ward-doggie-styled anywhere. We are now out on our usual but slower walk and my sister calls. Sometimes My sister and I can talk for hours and on this particular day, it was no different. We gab about everything and on this day I was complaining about all sorts of things. As I approached a fork in the road, this white haired AARP lady stopped suddenly. I told her to walk by first as she was walking two ridiculous ankle bitter white poodles. Did I mention it has been raining a lot? Well anyways, I have the phone in one hand, Bru's Leash in the other and a Delicious steamer wedged in a bag somewhere in between all that and the FING lady wont budge! She won't move to one side of the pavement! She wont let me pass on the sidewalk and she wont go first! So, I again say, "Ma'am please it's fine!" and in her Cape Cod accent she shouts. "You Go First I am Worried!"  JESUS CHRIST WOMAN!! Great! I then guide my freshly clean dog in mud, puddles and rain water so this lady feels "safe" from my dog. UNREAL! $50 down the drain and I get so frustrated, I shout out too Brutus: "You FING Pile Of Shit!" The lady which had already passed me turns around with the "holy crap I am scared look" and thinks I am talking to her. I sadly have to say sorry ma'am I was yelling at my dog, not you. I hang up with my sister, head back to the house and finish the FING Awesome Burrito! Crouching Dog Hidden Six Pack My ASS!

Rub a Dub Dub!

Adventure #40 Mom, I dropped the Soap!

Some people have the perfect shower experience. They have matching soaps with matching towels. They have Silver Moen faucets equipped with Jacuzzi style jets. The Beautiful Perfection of crown molding and granite counter tops. I have a sink and a tub. See, I live in an old Florida House and with old and the inexpensive rent; it is what it is. I have been hearing that phrase a lot lately and I feel it applying to various things in my life. It is what it is, what it is: a freaking place to pee and place to have my 10 mins. to quickly reapply makeup when one of my friends needs "a drinkin' buddy." My buddy lately comes short, stubby, rough and tough. He snarls at Pastel Popped-Collar Boys, he hates the "high maintenance Siesta Key girl" and he absolutely hates being left untended. I have a standard shower curtain and with that, there is literally a simple piece of cloth between me and the beast. Picture this: I'm tired, eyes barely opened, hair in a Kewpie Doll Styled Hairdo see: (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kewpie_doll) and who comes barreling through this tiny sheet I have? Yep, you guessed it... Brutus. In past posts, I have mentioned his love for anything girlie. He especially loves soap. Brutus goes in, charges for the soap, jumps out again, half-wet and charges down the hallway. I am dripping, with conditioned hair running down my face and he thinks this is all a game! He "hides" under the coffee table as usual and I go plummeting right for what's left of my Dove Soap! Is that the end of the story...well unfortunately no! Here is small list of things Brutus has fearlessly taken possession from the tub. And also why I am beginning to think he might be coming out of the closet this year???!

Stolen Item                                    Believed Reasoning

My Koosh Ball For Lathering       (Does he want to freshen up before the dog park?)
Any Soap Form                             (He loves Lavender cause it's this years color?)    
A Rubber Duckie                          (A Present for his new partner?)
Razors                                           (He must have that Fresh Clean Look?)
Wash Cloths                                  (Maybe he is stealing them as part of a Craft Project?)
Full Body Wash Bottles                (He Loves The Feeling when It hits his butt!)

There is a Little saying that I made up during the first few months of owning Brutus.. You have to sing it in a winy, girlie voice like you would be teasing a boy you liked! "AH MY NAME IS BRUTUS! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!! NA NA NA NA!!" I realized that this is all he wants! He loves to grab my attention, he likes to provoke me and he cannot stand me ignoring him! Well, the bath ritual will most likely go on unless I get that exciting shower door I always wanted. Or a new dog that is not metrosexual! I guess.. It Is what it is!

Do You Like This Color?

Adventure # 39 "I'm In The Hue For Love

So, I have to remember that I have expanded my readers from my normal Gmail and Face Book to "Bob" in Indiana and "Jai Jim" In Bangkok! I also have a reader named "Kenane from Jamaica and a reader a "Adriene" from West Hollywood! I have to remind you guys that up to this point, I have never mentioned my name, my age or shown my face in any picture in my blog. My popularity has grown unexpectedly larger then I had thought and I am excited to keep expanding! So, my apologies to my friends that have probably seen this video already. It's a oldie but goodie and truly explains Brutus's Curiosity! This video was taken when he was about 6 months old. He has always been very curious with most beauty products that I use but on this particular afternoon, he was so engaged it was worth recording! I absolutely adore that #1 He is sitting so still and # 2 That I actually captured his shifty eyes and his "approval" of this particular shade. I loved this dog from the first time I ever held him. At 63 pounds now, don't know if I could ever again? Enjoy! This is one of my absolute favorites!

Baby Come Back!

Adventure #38  I put a dollar in one of those change machines.  
Nothing changed.  ~George Carlin

Why Does it seem like my dog has changed more in the last two years then I have? If you know me personally, you know what I am gonna say. OK well... people in and all over my lives are making changes and big ass ones. On any given day, another one of my friends up North or anywhere are prego, one is getting engaged, the other getting a divorce, another on her forth kid and my favorite ahhhh sigh.... the June Wedding. Sorry if u were married in June but come on people... How freaking predictable??? Blah... I compare June weddings to sandpaper, standard white sheets. They are just Blah, they are just wrong, they are just worth brushing down the aisle of bed bath and beyond to something more exciting. Again, sorry if u married in June but I didn't think you were reading this because u liked that I was a sugar coater. Anyways, life around here seems to be at a complete stand still and I think some of my friends think I am becoming bitter.  Brutus and I are on a complete routine and about to sign another lease extension on our humble de slobber. Though, I have to ask... Why? Why am I opting to stay put? Not much has changed and I guess I realize it more when other people are changing constantly. Brutus has completely changed from a perfect white snowball to a smelly, stained, wrinkled and old man face. Some of my readers have asked me to post pictures of the little guy in the beginning. These are the cutest ones of the bunch and I am wondering if he could have gotten any cuter? He was a lot harder to deal with back then (if u can guess that) so I guess that's a good change. And he also was smaller... a lot smaller and easier to tame. Like any male after time, they become less and less obedient and over the last year, I guess I lost my dominance. I miss my old little puppy, I miss carrying him in my arms... I miss his puppy breath.  In recent posts, I have included various old school songs to go along with some of my thoughts. I have received funny comments about each one, all good. So to stick with past precedence here's a good oldie for all to enjoy this evening.  P.S. I don't think I was even born yet but for some reason... I Heart this song! The hair and the graphics are hysterical!

Show Cancelled Due To Lack Of Interest!

Adventure # 37 A Scary Film

As long as I can remember, I have had a huge love for scary films. I can remember all the way back to the age of three years old. I was in Jersey and my sister was suppose to be watching me. I remember sneaking up to my Grandpa's room and turning on the latest "Horror Movie!" I laid there, tan and bug-bitten tiny legs stretched out and totally engulfed in the Movie Jaws. OK... all you younger people do the math. I was three and Jaws came out in 1975, so there ya go. Anyways, I actually remember being anxious, being scared and being in love with the trill of something I wasn't suppose to be watching. Now, my love life of scary movies has reached new levels. I have been known to force people in my lives to watch them, and I am looking for a someone that shares the love of REDRUM, I see Dead People and M. Night Shyamalan as much as I do.  I am not into the "oh wear did my top go? I guess I will just run into the woods with no shoes on in the middle of no where and go look for it????!!!" Yep, not really my style, I like the ones that make you think. Here is a link of the top 50 scariest films of all time according to the Boston Globe. I have actually seen all but three. Check it out! http://www.boston.com/ae/movies/gallery/top_50_scary_movies/ Well, how does all this pertain to Brutus? Well, Brutus is the new main character in my ongoing scary film. He is constantly sneaking up on people, biting my friends and frankly scary the living crap out of them! This weekend, I needed two brave friends to look after the beast during my work week. Well, out of the kindness of the hearts; they said YES! This is a home movie of my Friend Jess and Doug entering what seems to a murder scene. The Lights are low, the beast is no where to be found. And what is most thrilling? It has a Blair Witch kind of feeling. The scene is shot through a smudged window and out of nowhere HE APPEARS!! Startling Eyes, glowing green and ready to POUNCE!! Seriously, this scene gets even scarier at the end. Besides the humping and casual Rape of my friend Jess, the camera just shuts off. Who knows if they made it out alive? Who knows the truth? The camera and Brutus are all that's left. The smell of shame and an unsettling evil lurks over the living room. And you the viewer are left with questions and concern. There is disgust. There is fear! You Tube Time!

What Came First...

Adventure #36  The Katelyn or The Brutus?

So, I have this girlfriend named Katelyn! She Hails from Pittsburgh! You wouldn't be able to tell past her Black and Yellow attire and love for anything that's says, "This girl... is an up north kind of girl." These girls are a different breed from those that roam around these parts. I am not going to go much more into that because I don't want hurt my Florida reader's feelings. Anyways, My girl Katelyn is scared of anything from Lizards to Sea Creatures and most importantly...BRUTUS! Yes, my 65 pound slobbery mess scares the living crap out of her. In Brutus's Defense, he loves her! He wants to give her big kisses and lick her luscious lips. (As most guys in Sarasota do.) Though, Katelyn thinks he wants to eat her! We have had many conversations on this particular subject and she is still not convinced. So, after a 5 day weekend for her birthday extravaganza, (which I had to work during) I decided to get out early and have some drinks with Miss Pittsburgh! The deal was if I was coming, so was my boyfriend. Then, I was instructed he must be ordained with a birthday hat and some "Katelyn Flair!" 4 glow sticks, one decked out banana, 3 Mardi Gras beads and freaking awesome birthday hat; we set our eyes on Katelyn's last birthday drink!  He was strutting his stuff and bowing up as he approached his prey. His "outfit" lasted about three minutes but he rocked his birthday hat gangster style for her, for the majority of the night. He was well behaved besides the fact that he knocked over 2 tables full of sugar caddies, scared a Mexican dishwasher and bruised up another one of my knees. On Tuesday, The two of us set sail for another evening full of sugar shots and light beers. (I think one cancels out the other.) Then, "Our Driver" went to go pick up Brutus and somehow Katelyn and I got shoved into the back seat of the Expedition. Brutus leaps into the front seat aka I own this shit and I instruct Miss P.A. not too look at him! Don't make eye contact, Don't smile and most certainly Don't call out his name! The plan did not work and he fought me for 5 blocks to attempt to get to her. His face is full of saliva filled kisses and he wasn't stopping for me. We made it to our final destination... his favorite neighborhood watering hole and set up shop on his bar stool. After about an hour things got a little blurry and it was time for "Blue Eyes" to take her black and yellow Chariot home. The cab pulls up and Katelyn throws money at me and jumps in. I am sitting backwards on my bar stool and there goes Katelyn, there goes Brutus, there goes my bar stool up and over and there goes my humility. He plunges his masculine body up on the closed cab door and I am lying on the concrete face first clenching his death grip!  Katelyn is screaming bloody murder, "HES GOING TO EAT ME... HE IS GOING TO RIP MY FACE OFF!" The cab driver doesn't know if anything is real and hurls the car down Osprey Ave. I am left with shards of concrete implanted in my knees and 5 blocks of a disappointing walk home. She turns around and peers through the cab back window... and gives me a piercing look of, "I told you so."

The Clock Is Ticking

Adventure #35 Just Stuff It

Do You ever feel like your "stuff" is really that important?  I have drawers and closets full of just "stuff." What is all this stuff really about? Ummm. not quite sure. I am scared to even open up one of my closets. Brutus has a lot of stuff too. OK I know he doesn't go out and buy impulse items like his Mother but he has acquired a lot of stuff over the last 21 Months. He has his own drawers of Tight Tank Tops, wristbands and various bar/surf logo Ts. He also is known for his huge basket of toys! I say known for because everyone that comes over has mention the sure volume of this particular basket. It is full of anything from Cubbie Bears, balls in all shapes and sizes, Dura Play items, half-eaten bones, Kong's, Tug of War Ropes, toys that look like food, plastic light up bouncing balls and my favorite his suckle stuff animals. Now, when I say suckle; he does this thing where he gathers the stuffing on the animals face and kneads like a cat would and sucks on the little animal or what we like to call it: Lamb Chop. For short it is called Lamb Lamb. And when I really wanna to get that 4 hours of sleep before work; I call out for Lamb Lamb! The vet told me a year ago to deter for this kind of behavior. Well my vet doesn't live in my house and this is one of the only things that puts my dog too sleep! If you were to see it, it's actually pretty cute. He can do that for hours. I  have Googled the reasoning why and this the main answer that I have recieved. If you have this problem see link:http://www.dogbehaviour.com/articles/dogs/objectsucking.htm . Anyways, his love for his toys has grown bigger then ever expected! Even now as I write, he ferociously tips over his basket and chooses wisely what he is going to play with for the next minute and a half before he switches again. Apparently his stuff is important! Brutus has also been doing this other "behavioral" thing. As soon as you arrive home, he runs too the door to greet you with his new favorite toy. In this case, let's just say "tire swing." He then keeps it clench in his mouth, while he runs out front to make make business! It's weird and odd but I am thinking he just doesn't wanna leave the house without his favorite prize possession!  So I ask you guys this. If you had ten minutes to leave the house, what would quickly scoop up? OK not the obvious "kid" or "husband" down the hallway. If they were safe and already grabbing their own things, what would you actually run for and quickly throw into your arms? The Clock Is Ticking... what is really that important? My Answer will be explained on the next adventure...

Life and Bug Bites

Adventure # 34 Soy This!

Do you ever wake up and immediately everything seems to be going wrong? Even the simplest things are on my nerves today. Eyes half open, I head to the living room to find an extremely large steamer on my new steamed carpet! Ironic? Who cares I am too tired to think! Then I head to Starbucks, (where I should own stock in) and my $5 dollar coffee belongs to someone else! I go through the driveway and have no intention of turning around. What is with the Soy People? Are they really Lactose? Are they really just trying to act like they live in New York City and are against cows? Seriously? I Heart Cows! Their Soy Crap tastes like the stuff that was left on my carpet this morning! Anyways, I then take boo for a walk and after 35 minutes the bugger finally takes another dump. I'm full of sweat, still half-awake and I try to sit on my porch and catch up on my emails. Yep... here's another doozy! My email that I have had for 7 year's password wont work! It is asking me all kinds of security questions. Who are you dating? What is your favorite food? What is your dog's name? Ummmmm...  Let me think. I am now not dating anyone. My favorite food.....well back seven years ago, I was a gym and nutrition freak! Now, I consume anything in quantity! Chinese food, ribs, nachos! BRING IT!  And what's with my dog's name? Back seven years ago...was Sadie a family dog... she is dead! THANKS HOT MAIL! Thanks for bringing back child depressed memories!! My I Tunes are even bothering me! Somehow, Corrine Bailey Rae bugs me now! If you don't know her and are single. Don't listen! I used to love her, making dinner at my X's. Now,  I wanna pull her face right through the computer and say, "guess what Bitch! I am not fallin' in love!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dvp4BskFKjI  I need a cure to complete me. I think its a big o' drink! Oh, wait it's only 9 am. So, I head to the computer covered in itchy bug bites and somehow this is therapeutic! Get it all out! Hopefully all of your days are going better! I know there are worse things in the world right now but these are mine for today. I am glad its still early. I picking up that stuff on the carpet, bottling it up and selling it back to Star Bucks! I am glad I have got it all out... and so has Brutus! He is drinking Soy now and wearing trendy glasses. Good Lord! 

Pooped Out!

Adventure #33 Out Of Order

I hate when daily life gets in the way of life. Do you ever wake up and realize that you just do things to get to the next day? The next paycheck, the next trip to the bank, the mailbox, the coffee shop. I hate when a day quickly turns into a week, and a week into a month. I cannot believe it is June already. I feel like I have not been home since December. Working on various projects will do that to you and I am spent. The worse part is the state of my house and sadly the neglect of my dog. He has been at Daddy's a lot lately and the house feels really empty. I feel like I have been running around like crazy and have nothing to show for it. I am still single, still not a millionaire and still; still. The more I run around, the more I feel like I haven't been anywhere. We need a break. I realized yesterday, that I haven't been on any kind of vacation since Sept. 2009. Funny Enough, that is the same month I got Brutus. I went to Minnesota and came back and purchase my new problem child! A bunch of my friends, (mostly couples) have been going on fishing trips,  exotic cruises and Cabo San Please Take Me With You Excursions. I on the other hand, have went to Prospect Street and Starbucks. Oh yeah and work. I realized that unless you have a ton of other single friends on the same boat of life, you will never reach port. When I was a "we," WE went everywhere! Day trips and long weekends were all mindfully scheduled. So now I am making up a new schedule. October = The Keys! Who's Coming With Me? But before I set sail, I have a list of musts!

1. Must remove Balls from Male Roommate.
2. Must get bigger life jacket for mutt.
3. Must teach dog, big shark.. bad no swim.
4. Must teach dog to come back when called.
5. Must teach dog to catch a snook.
6. Must if all else fails...use dog for chum.